when will it stop hurting? trigger warning: mention of SA

My hands tremble now. I know I should never want to hear from you again, but your words and actions have left a deep impression on me. It feels like I'm fused with the sickness of your mind. There's no place in your heart for me-i'm burned away, my insides bruised beyond recognition. I no longer feel like I own myself. The pain I carry comes in relentless waves. I try to consume it through food, seeking comfort in the shadows, blaming myself for being desperate enough to want to feel wanted, to create an island where I felt accepted. I made plans. I believed your words. My guard fell, and you rushed in to destroy me.

You've etched into me that I'm nothing more than a hole, that all you wanted was my mouth, my body, my submission. You wanted a slave to control, to break.

You took pleasure in seeing me cry, in watching me suffer. Yet, despite everything, I still longed for you to want me. I craved the feelings you gave me at first, the illusion of care. My heart is shattered because you've been inside me raw, and the pain is unbearable. I counted-l texted you 46 times before I realized l'd said all I needed to say. I'm coming to terms with the fact that there's nothing I can do to make you want me, that I was used and discarded like trash.

Why did I still want you to want me? Did you do this on purpose? Do you have any idea how it feels to be raped? I know i'll never get answers from you. You won't make it better. It just hurts.