Helot Hero

this piece is dedicated to Hamza Abu Halima, the Lion of Gaza.

and what if you, too, are descended from slaves? and from lions? what if you are a slave? and a lion? what if you have just forgotten that fact, either let yourself forget or been forced to forget, and that is disrespect to your ancestors? what then?

last night, i told some friends, i was feeling "a small humble sort of pride, today, because i realized/remembered this: i have always had a big heart. i have always never given up on anything or anyone. sometimes i feel numb, but that's because i've been numbed. sometimes i've been harmful, i'm not harmless, and i'm not immune to propaganda, neither, but none of that has changed my drive to always be there for myself & others. i took a look at my past desires, even from when i was a kid, all my 'failed' (saved for later, or for my children or their children) ideas, projects, everything: i have always had that drive. i've always been me. in a constant state of becoming, sure, but that's remained the same. they haven't taken my humanity yet."

i am also feeling anger.

there is a lot of anger.

because of the many, many times that they've almost succeeded in taking my humanity. and because my needs aren't met. and honestly, the two are entwined. it's always easier to neglect someone you think of as not human. i am angry, in fact, because of each time my humanity has prevailed despite being at considerable odds with the world's ego, colonialism, capitalism, because of how each time i have prevailed, it was never without the sense that i could - we could - be so much more, do so much more, without these evils.

i have never wanted to give up on anyone, or neglect anyone, or disconnect from anyone. never.

when i was a child, i wanted to - felt called to - run an inn, a bed-and-breakfast. this vision has only evolved and gotten more and more radical from it's original, limited conception as a small business that coopts hospitality. i have done my best to un-coopt it. or perhaps the vision always existed outside my individual imagination. who knows?

during the storms last year, when i wanted to transform my parents' house into a temporary heat shelter for the houseless, it was my parents who actively stopped me.

but i didn't give up. 

instead, inspired by the resilience of the houseless population where i grew up & the terror i felt in the face of being unable to afford rent anywhere out from under my parents, i decided to evolve my inn into a radical shelter. maybe, if i 'owned' a plot of land in the city, co-owned it with the indigenous peoples of where i grew up, the Tongva, if i invited anyone and everyone who needed a place to stay to come and stay, and if our beds were full i'd go interrogate the neighbors as to why they couldn't spare their space, maybe, i could be in community in a way that mattered. i didn't want to be an owner, a manager, a leader, i just wanted to keep my head down and open my doors. this fell apart when i had my eye on a place, and was shocked by how expensive it was, and how by the time i saved up enough, it would be gone, and with almost nobody as passionate about this as i was, i didn't feel right saving up for a nebulous goal i didn't have any clue how to approach next.

but i didn't give up.

instead, inspired by the man i loved & wanted to continue being in community with, inspired by his needs, and the needs of everyone struggling with the same things that we did, i sought to leave my parents' house, with all the bravery i needed to live on my own, and some supplies, too, but little else, and i was going to learn from my housed but poor neighbors & my houseless neighbors and pass from people to people, in a state of constant adapting. this fell apart when the man i loved let me down and didn't follow through on a promise he made, which led to me running out of money, which led to me returning home.

but i didn't give up.

instead, i resolved to forgiving him, slowly, formally, legally moving in with him, in a building with its own microcosm where another friend already lived, saving up for rent however long it took, forgetting about the grand plan and just focusing on rediscovering community where i already had it, but this time, still out from under my parents & so more able to do what i needed to do, and of course, this fell apart when our relationship fell apart as he betrayed me completely.

but i didn't give up. it nearly killed me, but i didn't give up.

i have never given up.

i will never give up.

i will not share exactly what my plans are now, but rest assured, these are not just words. the original connotation of the word hero in Greek was "protector," or "defender," or, perhaps taken less literally, "errand boy." think of the Labors of Heracles. and the labors of everyone helot, and every homemaker. i don't want to be a hero the way we talk about them now, i don't want to be known, i don't want to be alone, i don't want to be solely responsible, no savior, and i also am not angry with others because i have no responsibility in all this. no, i am angry with others for how they have taken my agency to be responsible away. i am also angry for every time i've tried to crawl towards the only people i saw who see what i see, and more/else, to be in community, to be held & loved, and have been instead told i'm too much or not enough to deal with. fuck you all. i am not disposable, none of us are, i have been abused and abandoned and i have never once given up so fuck you all. but if it was from pain and you are doing the work to heal & be held accountable, i have done worse, i forgive you, i will work with you. "Settle your quarrels, come together, understand the reality of our situation, understand that fascism is already here, that people are already dying who could be saved, that generations more will live poor butchered half-lives if you fail to act. Do what must be done, discover your humanity and your love in revolution." Honored George L. Jackson i have errands, i have work to do. that is all.

we must never give up. δεν πρέπει ποτέ να τα παρατάμε. يجب ألا نستسلم أبدًا. 

they can take one lion, but they do so out of desperation, because even they know they can never take us all. μπορούν να πάρουν ένα λιοντάρι, αλλά το κάνουν από απελπισία, γιατί ακόμα κι αυτοί ξέρουν ότι δεν μπορούν ποτέ να μας πάρουν όλους. يمكنهم أن يأخذوا أسدًا، لكنهم يفعلون ذلك بدافع اليأس، لأنهم حتى يعلمون أنهم لن يتمكنوا أبدًا من أخذنا جميعًا.

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