feelings time! gross!

okay nobodys gonna see this thank god i dont want them to i just wanna discuss

tonights topic is mckinley! some things he said tonight got me thinking (im not mad, not upset at all actually. just had me thinking) and so now i gotta talk about it

sooo first off we were talking about uhhh this thing courtney love said and he said "okay but you never gave me any desire or fury or love" and the thing is... i have given him desire and love but i kept the fury to myself obviously! and it amazes me that he thinks i never gave him that.. not in a way that makes me upset, just in a way that makes me confused. but ya know if he wants it let's talk about all of those things! maybe one day he'll see this and ill be really embarrassed!

desire: i dont think he realizes just how bad i want him. like nobody else in the world is going to put up with this! nobody else in the world would ever wait! ive been waiting for 4 fucking months! and ill wait as long as i need to! i want him and im going to wait around to get him! he wouldnt wait around for me and while thinking about that kinda sucks it's whatever!!!! ill stick around basically no matter what. and i hope i don't have to wait for much longer because i am getting closer to snapping on that but that's a whole other thing... whatever! it's probably selfish to say this but i am desperate for them to just fucking break up already! my god! i mean i obviously want mckinley to be happy and i obviously am putting that over me being happy (you know, cause of the whole waiting thing) but i am tired of waiting! yet ill keep doing it for as long as it takes because i want him that bad! i wanna marry him! but if that relationship starts to last too long i will start slightly losing my temper.... whatever. i miss him more than fucking anythingggggg i want him so badddd but i can't fucking have him cause his stupid fuckin girlfriend had to come in and ruin everything for me UGHHHHHHHHHHH

fury (well, i wouldnt say that..): i keep my feelings to myself because obviously im not gonna be aggressive.. i want him to like me! but trust me there are a lot of feelings. and not all of them are positive! sometimes i think about what he did and i get pissed! im still pretty fucking pissed off about the whole leaving me for this girl who he talked about several times and stuff who i was indeed kind of worried about! then proceeding to get morals for the first time just to fuck me over. and telling me to my face that he loved her more than me (this one fuckin HURT). then ignoring me when all i wanted was one conversation. and treating me like im disposable for the past few months. and then there's a whole list of stuff he did before/during that time that i dont really wanna get into because i just dont care enough to. and it makes me mad! those were shitty things to do! and he won't feel bad! but that doesn't change anything really, i still like really really love him and even if that stuff pisses me off it doesnt really make me dislike him. maybe one day he'll do something to make me forgive all of that. and it doesn't matter if i forgive him because i still really really love him!!!! whatever i just be mad for a while. the waiting makes me mad too because i know he would never ever wait for me if i pulled some stupid shit like this but itll pay off

love!: so another thing he said today was "i literally didnt think you cared about me at some points" and i was like genuinely taken aback because WHAT??? i didnt know that! i thought he didnt like ME sometimes! (i still think that, more often now but the reason behind that is obvious..) and it makes me kinda sad he thought that because ive always cared about him probably more than ive ever cared about anything ever! i loved him more than anything! (and im pretty sure i still do!) him calling me was what i waited for every single day! i loved it!!! apparently i seemed emotionless.. oops that's just cause im autistic. i love him so fucking much! i hope he knows that by now. if not ill find a way to get through to him. i need to be affectionate but i dont really know how.... also ill probably save that for when he deserves me being affectionate (so when we're dating again) and u know what im just gonna say this.. FUCK i want him back so bad! he has no idea what this is like.. it's TORTURE! i love him so so so fucking much like i wanna marry him and stuff and im going CRAZY here!!! god why cant that girl break up with himmmmm cause i know he'll never do it himself! pussy. sorry that was uncalled for. and if he EVER says anything about me not loving him i am going to beat his ass!!! and courtney love was right, he's a fucking idiot if he doesn't choose me. i mean he's already a fucking idiot for what he's already done but not as much as if he doesnt choose me! im literally gonna figure out how to be affectionate for him! i dont know how to do that!

whatever im tired im going to sleep goodnight dont read this