itll all be okay

so, its been a while! 

I kinda got bored of spacehey for a bit cos i felt stupid writing to no one, but i slapped myself and came back to reality. doesnt matter if no one reads these! its something for me to look back on! besides, writing public blog posts really helps quell this thirst for attention i have. its kind of like exposure therapy? i have an urge to seek for attention, so when i see these posts get no traction it really brings back down to earth. i am just 1 of the 8 billion people on this world. remember when it used to be 7 billion? freaky. anyways, i really am just a speck in the universe. its fine, whatever happens to me. ill be fine.

i recently got diagnosed with bpd. just another mental illness to add to the list! hah! its not funny. whenever i think about people bpd, i just think of horrible, abusive people with a self destructive narcissistic streak every now again. theres this manga i used to read that was based on a psychiatrist trying to clear up the stigma around mental health in japan, whilst also bringing insight on various mental disorders and disabilities. i remember reading the chapter on bpd and feeling an immense disgust and hatred. the character who symbolised bpd was exactly like every single one of my abusers. isnt it funny, that i look back on that moment now knowing i have bpd?

i cant even refute the diagnosis, because after doing some research i definitely think its true. i act just like them. like them. except ive managed to keep all of this within me. for now. i can feel myself rotting away the more i bottle these putrid feelings up. having that fucking psychiatrist list off all the reasons why i have bpd was painful to hear. i thought i was self aware, but i guess im too stupid. i never realised how many of the symptoms i was displaying despite knowing them very well. its hard for me to accept it. if i could, i would tell my friends to all stay away from anyone who has bpd. far far away. but if i did that i would have to reveal i have bpd too. i dont wanna lose them yet (even though i basically already have because of my isolating, but we roll)

i have my moments where i tend to have tunnel vision and immediately assume its the end of the world but honestly, its never that deep. so what if ive not transitioned and no one thinks im a man? so what if im an insufferable person to be around and thats why none of my friends really like me? (they dont hate me either, its more of an indifference. i'd rather they hate me because at least that means they feel SOMETHING about me but im not exactly interesting enough to be hated.) so what if my long list of mental illnesses means im doomed in life? so what if i cant get into that university my mum has been dreaming to send one of her kids to? its fine. i'll be fine. life works out. perhaps my dream of moving far far away and cutting off all of my connections so i can start a new life as a man is far fetched. but its fine. i'll be fine

p.s: the old title was gonna be 'it is NAWT looking good brah' before i realised that im actually doing fine