Thoughts (19/8/24)

playing a game i like (pictured above) to avoid hurting myself or someone else

i'm having fun but i'm not happy

if i try hard i can feel sad and lonely without making it another person's misfortune

but i have to try harder than most people

i just want to not have to go to work and spend my life in my boyfriend's bed 

it's draining to be seen as bad and disliked by the others so i'm trying to change but if i'm not this way then someone else will have to be 

no matter what the system will have alters like me and i know that i am needed but i wish i wasn't so hated for it 

i'm glad i haven't hurt myself at all today 

i'm glad i haven't hurt anyone else at all today

but i wish i wasn't putting up walls constantly and i wish i didn't need to push everyone away

people always think that we're annoyed whenever i'm fronting and they feel bad even though i'm not annoyed

i have to wake up again in 8 hours but i won't end up sleeping for another 2

i don't understand how our boyfriend likes me specifically and wants to help me

i don't really see how being close to me is a good thing for him or for anyone 

悪因悪果 = the cause of my existence was a need for harm so naturally all i can do is cause it