i seriously cannot rn

just in general i CANNOT

my sister and mom are always arguing it feels like

they had this argument earlier and my sister slammed the door like five times and she was crying and mom and her were both yelling and even though it always ends up okay in the end, whatll happen if it doesnt? its bound to happen some day, theyll get in this big argument and never want to speak to eachother again. and i know thats a lot more likely to happen when my sister's old enough to get her own apartment or house, and she'll be living somewhere else entirely and if she really wanted to she could just decide to cut off all contact with mom or dad or even me. i still have a few more years until thats even possible but it could happen so easily. and its not doing my mental health any good 

ive definitely been doing a lot better than i used to but that doesnt mean im not still unwell. suicidal and homocidal thoughts have less common but i still have them sometimes. i talked to my psychiatrist on wednesday and let me honest, she didnt really help much. i love her dearly but sometimes she is absolutely no help. and that's okay! because she's not a therapist, she's a psychiatrist, and helping me decide what to do about family matters isn't in her job description! my therapist left some time in may, and i haven't had one since, but when my psychiatrist asked if i felt like i needed one, i said no. mayyybeeeee that wasn't such a good idea??? i honestly do not want therapy, because i don't like spilling my guts to people i don't know. but maybe it would help

this was WAAYYYYYY longer and more serious than i wanted it to be but uh thats actually ok i needed to get that out there somewhere just to give me some peace of mind since i always feel better after just randommly venting for no reason at all. ive looked back on the few blog posts i have that are from, like, ten months ago. and honestly, im doing a lot better than i was doing then!

also haven't made a blog post in a while so good on me for doing that 💪💪💪