Found this entry months ago lol enjoy

On the 11th of June I confessed how I felt for (lets go with "Jollibee") via, love letter, It has been consecutively 2 days since I’ve given him my letter, and I have not received feedback yet much as I would’ve liked. I’ll have to confront him later after class ends on how he feels so I can properly move on and or know the truth. I do not mind waiting if he still wishes to, no, actually, I do mind. I need an answer, I professed how I felt for him which is vulnerable shit. He’d better have an answer. Or, I’ll have one for him. I don’t take anymore waiting crap. It ends now or by next Monday. Which is when I’ll have a session. I’d really like to watch Lucifer again, I just thought of a funny scene lmao. All my friends are that it was crappy of him to ignore me after I’d given the letter. Though I have the faintest suspicion could he be in the closet…idk.  I’d still want to hit that. Makes one aware of how desperate they really are. Lately I’ve been staying in my room not socialising, one finds thyself irritated by the action’s of those around them. I don’t understand…I need clear answers I really do, he’d better have them soon. Fuck him, if he get jealous by seeing other guys sit next to me and sits next to other girls then fuck him, he can sit next to whoever he wants I can do the same shit, I’m not that sensitive girl from last year who’d cry at the faintest touch. Perhaps, it would truly be best if I went non-verbal for a while and ghosted everyone and just focused on myself. But, I still have hope for myself as I know this would be bad for me so I’m choosing to go to counselling next Monday for my sake as I know that getting angry with everyone isn’t the best choice but, what exactly can I do. Whatever happens, I can get through it. I always have, what difference does this make. My apathy will always protect me in any case. It’s already starting to manifest itself in my subconscious. Though, it is serving me well and I do look good with apathy. It allowed me to fully clean my room and start saving money, something I always struggled to do. Perhaps It would be best for me, maybe someone will love me if I stopped feeling. Ah there it is again, changing for someone. Something I always do and hate. I despise school now, I am on my last string.  It’s then I realised, I have really become anti-social. Wether I wanted to or not. I don’t want to talk anymore, I skipped eating breakfast, I feel faint, I have a headache- 12:42 I feel my lip glass in my throat and I barely feel present In the moment. When I get home the first thing I do is either shower or sleep. Well, that’s my new routine I guess. I wonder if it’s healthy to clean everyday. What was stopping me, I want to do my laundry, I want to clean everything, I want ton scrub my entire bathroom clean, I want to organise my things, get rid of what I don’t need and vacuum my whole floor. I want to buy new carpets ,I want to buy new towels, all I want to do is take care of myself and be with myself. I really need to live alone. But there’s just too many people near me, with me, I need them all to go away and leave me alone. I hate school, I hate everyone in it. I wish I was back home where I don’t have to talk to anyone and I’ll be back in my safe zone. My room stimulates me now, I’m very happy about it. It keeps my head busy and stimulated but not too much. Sometimes I lean against a wall ad sit down just looking over my room and my progress listening to music undisturbed. Just me and my room. 15 more minutes until they release us, I’ll ask jimmy no big deal. Apathy turned on and ready to activate for the worst. I’ll go home, do my work, clean, and listen to music. No big deal I already did most in class time. And probably eat as well, I’m starving. My stomach hurts. I probably need to eat or shit, probably eat. I have been skipping breakfast for days on end now. Few more minutes, I can handle it, (Lets go with "Riley") brought lunch for the both of us. I fear she’s the one true friend. I didn’t mean to cry after I got home from school, it was really tiring. I just wanna go home… Everything is so tiring. I already wanna cry, and lunch still hasn’t happened. Is it normal to want to cry every time you go home from school?