Anxiety Express/For the Love of Fiona Apple

I am trapped in my own brain. 

When people hear the word "anxiety" they think panic attacks. I wish it were only panic attacks. Yes, there are occasionally panic attacks, getting more frequent all the time; but I wake up every day with a brick in the pit of my stomach. Yes, a real one. It sure does feel that way, at least. That's only the start. I ignore the brick until it's almost gone. I get ready for work, I feed the cats, usually I can drown out any negative thoughts with music, depending on how loud they are. And oh, the negative thoughts. My brain is constantly attacking me, commenting on my face, my hair, my body; during the worst times I'm told how worthless I am and how no one loves me. I am 30 years old but my brain is still living in teenaged Emo Times. I don't want to think these things. I know realistically, they are not true. But that doesn't stop my brain from thinking them. Fast forward to the end of my night, in bed, over thinking about everything I said to everyone that day. Sleep is slow to come, sleep is not always restful. I've been dreaming about my dad a lot, it always leaves me feeling uneasy. I know if he were still alive, I would have someone to call, to let it all out. I know if he were still alive, I would not suffer this level of anxiety (I almost titled this blog, In the Market for a New Dad). 

I feel like I have no outlet now. Everyone I know irl has their own mental health issues going on, why should I pile my shit on? And so I don't really talk about it much. I've scared people away with it. It's taking over everything and ruining my life. I have no creative outlet, I'm not talented in the arts, I don't play an instrument. The best I got is Fiona Apple. I let myself feel all the things through her, when I sing I give myself over to her intensity. I let my voice carry the feelings, I sing with my whole chest. Only then do I feel slightly less pressure, less desire to crawl out of my own skin, to escape my own brain. 

I can't do anything about this for another two months, I don't have insurance with my new job yet. But fuck I don't know how much longer I can live like this, it is exhausting.