old feelings

its been a while since i last wrote here and alot has happened.

i broke up with my then girlfriend (now ex) like 2 weeks or something ago and it has been a relief surprisingly. 

i met her back in March and since i met her i knew that she'd eventually ruin me lmao. me and her started dating on the 16th of March and i wasn't really planning to take it seriously with her since she didn't seem trustworthy but after talking to a friend about it i decided to give it a go. 

she was awfully dry and never showed me love unless i showed her love first. she was flirty with people and used to kiss her friends and do shit that make me feel really uncomfortable. 

2 weeks into the relationship with her i found out she still liked her ex while being in a relationship with me and man to say that my heart shattered was an understatement. i gave her a chance to get over him since she got into the relationship with me after 2 days of him breaking up with her. 

2 weeks later, she was mean, rude, dry and she was genuinely making my mental health spiral downwards which ruined my view on life. i was free that day and checked her tiktok reposts (i was bored..) and found that most of her reposts were about missing her ex which i connected the dots and instantly knew who he was. 

i also once made fun of him on purpose to see what she's gonna do and she defended him and roasted me when it was just me and her which really hurt alot coming from someone who meant the world to me. 

afew days later she basically stopped responding to me and was really rude which is when i confronted her about her and her ex and gave her a choice, it was either him or me. my world shattered in front of my eyes when i saw her text picking her ex (context he was a really horrible person that traumatized her while the only thing I've done with her was be patient, understanding and loving so i can help her heal since i loved her). 

the next 3 days were horrible. i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep, i couldn't talk, i didn't want to keep going on but i gathered my courage to keep going for all of my friends. 3 days after breaking up with me she texted me saying that she misses me and that she misses how i treated her. she said she loved the memories of her ex not him and yet even though i know i should've told her to fuck off i still took her back because i loved her too much. 

the next week was horrible, i was having nightmares about her leaving again, i was having trouble being happy since i forced myself to be careful around her and not to get comfortable incase she leaves again. i talked to her about it and she tried to be reassuring and understanding but it didn't really help. 

then I started finding out things about everything, her ex used to flirt with her while me and her dated and instead of telling him that she has a bf (me) she just took his attention, she still was really flirty with others, she got mad at me for being upset at her, she kissed her friend but if i did something similar she'd get mad with her only excuse being "im just a girl", she didn't actually trust me, she didn't love me the way i loved her (i loved her at always 100% with all of my heart while she didn't really feel that she could trust me enough to love me fully), she compared me to her exs and she was scared of me hurting her even though I've never even thought about doing anything bad to her and my only intention was healing her and loving her until the day i die, she made fun of my looks and made fun of me in general even though i stated that i already hate how i look over and over again, she called me a femboy (because i made a girly roblox avatar) and proceeded to call me disgusting after 10 minutes of us having an argument and communicating and thinking it'll get better, i stopped being trans for her because i noticed that she was loving me less, she was hypersexual alot which made me uncomfortable sometimes from her asking for pictures and videos that i never thought I'd send to anyone ever, she called me selfish for trying to communicate how i feel with her (my first serious relationship ended because i wasn't able to communicate) and she never communicated until i begged her to for hours. 

after a while of dealing with all of this and dealing with her promising me that she'll get better even though in less than two days she'll get worse than before and treat me worse i said that i wanted to break up. she begged and my heart broke seeing her act like that which made me wait more for her but i was losing feelings by the day. 

i hated myself so much for losing feelings for the girl that was my entire world especially when she was actually trying to change. but it was too late for her to start changing. 

after a while me and her were having alot of arguments and i basically lost all feelings for her and was acting like i love her while hoping that me acting like that will reignite the spark i had for her. 

something that pissed me off and that still makes me mad was that she thought that a "im sorry" would fix everything that she has ever done to me, she hurt me over and over, she traumatized me and ruined how i view love and yet she thought that a simple sorry will fix it. she used to bottle her feelings up because of past trauma and refused to communicate anything and after anything bad happens and after a while of bottling things up she blows up at me and hurts me to the point it made me cry multiple times on too many occasions. 

i broke up with her and wished her the best and funny enough even though she was saying that im. the only one who she will ever love she still got a new boyfriend in less than 4 days. i know its none of my business but it still hurt seeing how i got replaced so fast with a random guy. i healed a girl for another man which is something that'll probably be stuck with me forever. 

and yet i dont wish her anything but the best. everything will be okay, i will be okay i hope. i thought that i should empty out my thoughts and feelings on here since im going through alot lately.