dream journal 4

i forgot most of the dream

i went out at night to buy something, i think it was food

i parked my car, or the car, whatever, dont know whose car it was, and started walking

reached a weird looking factory that was supposedly a market inside

there were people screaming

i went in and across the store, out from the back, into a large field

a very large and dark grassy field

there a handsome man in a coat looked quite frightened, looking all around him, as if trying to dodge something invisible trying to attack him

and that was exactly what was happening

you could barely see it in the dark, but an evil spirit kept circling, swooshing and diving around him

its color was a putrid yellow, like sick mucus, like infected pus, like piss stains

the man kept trying but ultimately failed, in one fell swoop the ghost sunk deep into his mouth, forcing the man's soul outside his body and replacing it with his

the man's soul was a bright and vivid purple, royal, flowery, beautiful

there were few people in the field watching this happen, and none of us knew what to do

amidst our confusion, the man's violet spirit dove back into his body, trying to reclaim what was his, while the actual body kept retching and twisting itself in horrid ways

he started to violently cough, and for a while the tail of the yellow ghost poked out of his mouth, another stout man claiming that that must be the man's soul since it was "golden like the shining sun"

i told him no, it wasn't, pull it out! but he refused, not believing me

it went back in, the possessed man still tumbling around, the purple tail came out next

"that's the one!"

"no, it's not!"

i jumped in front of him trying to stop him from pulling out the incorrect soul and luckily made it

it went back in

both souls kept clashing inside this feeble human body until eventually, the man vomited a grotesque looking ball thing, kind of like a cat's hairball

it was big, entwined, hairy, both yellow and purple, it looked dead

the man straightened up, sigh with relief, and started to walk away

i realized i loved this man

i went up to him and hugged him tight, glad he was okay, albeit confused at what had just happened

he didn't hug me back

i hugged him tigther

still nothing

i asked him what was wrong, what happened

he said he realized the only way to fight back against that evil spirit was to get rid of his own soul as well, to trap him with it

"what? but how can you live without a soul?"

the man laughed

he said it was alright, it was better, even

without a soul, there's no pain

without a soul, there's no sadness

no anger, no struggles, no suffering, no mental illness

he was free

"but without a soul, you can't love"

"does it matter?"

these words shook me

what do you mean "does it matter?" how can you live without being able to love? to give, receive, feel love?

"it's a small price to pay in order to live freely"

i wouldn't call it small, and i wouldn't say such a life is worth it

what's the point in not feeling pain if you cannot feel joy either? just a constant numb state, going through life like a zombie

"it doesn't matter"

"it does to me"

i hugged him again

this time he returned it, but not genuinely

i didn't care

it felt nice

he gave me a piggyback ride and we both started walking towards his own car, except he forgot where he had parked it

he was starting to realize he had forgotten many things about himself

without his soul, he was losing his very being

he didn't care

we kept looking for the car, he also couldn't remember what model it even was

it doesn't matter

we kept walking through the dark streets, most shops were closed by now, the only light came from the dark, pink clouds

we started walking through back alleys, it didn't look like a safe area but we didn't care much

we kept walking

and walking

we were lost

i realized i had lost the man i loved

he was just a shell

a body with no sense of self

an automaton merely replying to what it was being said

the man i loved had lost his soul that night

"stay here, i'll go find the car myself, you went through a lot so you're probably tired"

i jumped high, high, higher

i could fly

i flew above the neighborhood, initially telling the truth

i was looking for the car

but then i realized i didn't care

he wasn't human any more after all

who cares if he was left alone?

so i flew higher

higher

higher

watching all the lights from down below becoming smaller

higher still

no looking back now

just leave for the clouds