love

hello all, it’s wednesday, aug. 14 5:17 PM.

 i tried blogging consistently 7 months ago but i dropped it after 3 posts because it was starting to feel like a chore and i also felt like i had nothing to talk about. my friend showed me his post and i was inspired and was like wow maybe ill try again that looks awesome. so here i am, the first post of many, or perhaps my last until i get a surge of infeasible motivation. i notice that i do that a lot with things i do / want to do… like id start something spontaneously, hyperfixate  on it for a couple days, maybe even weeks, and then just drop it all together when i see something else that catches my attention. the end product of that cycle is me trying a lot , but ultimately having nothing to show for. it sucks honestly, because looking back at it if i had just stuck with playing the guitar when i was 10 id probably be famous right now . i probably would’ve had a lot of sex too ghehshahah… not that it matters though. the sex part i mean . 

but i do think i think with my penis more than id like to admit -00- ……. my last 2 interactions with girls has been fueled by pure lust and depravity.. empty i love yous and false promises… but at least both of them knew it too, th fact that it wouldn’t really amount to anything. i wonder why they’ got upset though when things ended. why did i get upset? i knew it wasn’t gonna last from the beginning. i was just bored and horny. i don’t get sad when a porno ends. while i am on this topic, im talking to a girl right now actually… she’s sweet, nice, considerate, and VERY persistent when it comes to me. sorry if the last comment sounded a little boastful but here’s some context. last year, of the fall semester, this girl was in my sociology class and by the end of the term she went up to me and gave me a note. i remember it vividly because 1. this has never happened to me before 2. when she tapped me there was an electric discharge and i jumped XD anywho the note talked about how cool she thought i looked B) and how she wanted to get to know me.. the whole thing was awkward honestly i want to rip my skin off whenever i think about it, but it made me so happy. we talked for a few weeks things were going well yadadaydyaydyayyda… i ghosted her i don’t know why. but she kept sending me a paragraph checking up on me every month and on my bday she said hbd as soon as 12am hit …..that’s when i finally replied back (im an asshole, i know) and asked if she wanted to meet before i left for vacation.. we kicked it off again and now we are talking consistently.. she even said she liked me. ANWYAS why does she even like me? like seriously. who does she think she is? i don’t deserve someone like her, and i don’t know if im even talking to her because she was so persistent or if im genuinely interested in her (im an asshole, i know). it kind of pisses me off how nice she is to me, and how she tells me she understands me and my tendencies…. why bother trying to make sense of me when you could just easily chalk it up to me being a selfish self serving POS!!. i want to be good to her. i want to attempt to be a good person. is it for them? i don’t know, it could just be me trying to convince myself that i can change for the better and im not completely worthless. blogging is just me jerking myself off honestly that’s what it feels like. she’s on vacation right now, and so am i, i get back on the 23rd, and she gets back on the 28th, so we’ll meet sometime early september. it’ll be fun, i know it. it always is with her. 

what even is love. what is dating to marry? do i even want a gf? is it my penis thinking? guhh is it bad to let someone wait for you? to be fair i told her not to wait for me and that i might not even give her the answer she wanted by the time i figure it all out, but she still insisted on waiting for me. how selfish is that? ugh. what would you do???????

i’ve been having a lot of time to think for myself since im not glued to my computer screen. i really needed this vacation now that i think about it. it’s like 5 years of brain fog that glued itself onto my brain precipitated out my mouth into a penis shaped cloud. there was a vape shop over here and their motto was “exhale the past, inhale the future” shit was funny af. 

okay i think ill sign off for now [5:49PM], my departing gift, a quote from the book heaven by mieko kawakami;

‘Everything was beautiful. Not that there was anyone to share it with, anyone to tell. Just the beauty.” ૮(˶ㅠ︿ㅠ)ა….

OYASUMI!