Journal

2024/08/13: Sometimes, I feel so weird (different). I don't know why but it's kind of exausting. Maybe it's just because everybody are unique, I feel really weird about it tho... I feel so useless and I have this impression that people look at me as if something was wrong with me. I know that my brain hesn't working as everyone brain, but why does it feel so worst? Sometimes, people tell me that I'm too weird for them, that I speak way too loud, even if I don't feel it, that I'm way too focus on my things or that I'm just too complicated. They just leave me alone when they understand that I'm just like that and that I am not able to change because that's the way I am. I am so frustrated because even I, can't understand myself sometimes. I'm triying to be like others, but I don't know why in my brain it doesn't work. I like to be alone, but have friends sometimes is not bad. The way I express myself is sometimes confusing for people who don't know me because it's not how `normal`people would usually do it. Like if i wasn't normal. Even my LGBTQ+ friends can't understand how I feel and as if they where not `different`from straight people. Plus, everybody (older than me) told me that I am so mature for my age. In fact, most of my friends are older than me. The fact that I can't handle changes, sometimes makes my friends really uncontfortable, because they don't know how to act with me tho. Also, they don't understand why sometimes, I feel so overwhelm and I need time for myself (as if people could stand a day without any humanity's break). I don't know how to act, and I'm just so tired... I know I'm not done with this journal, but for now I will leave it like that. Ty for reading me, even if I'm just complainning.. Byee 

2024/08/14: I talked about it with my aunt, at first it was really frustrating, but she told me that we probably should talk about it with my doctor. Because I might be autistic or something like that. Honestly, I tought about it so many times and I even talked about it with my doctor, but she was like; you probably don't have autism so I will not refer you for the test. So, I've done research about it and I found out that I might have it, because I feeled like it was relatable to me. I also know how it's hard for autistic people to have a diagnostic because it is not really how people see autism, even doctor. So, now I just want to be tested, just to have an answer and maybe to help me because my life is just a mess right now. Why should it be so complicated for me to have an answer, like it's not as if I didn't tried. Anyway... If someone with experiance want to talk with me about it I would really appreciated it. '.'