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/ Slight rant/tw??/
i hardly know anything about myself other than my name, sometimes i feel like im hosting someones body. i change everything frequently about myself, my view and perspective of myself and the world changes like day and night, i cannot get attached to anything at all, and i cannot feel anything but i can deeply understand? i change every little aspect to myself down to looks, opinions, personality whenever and i dont notice until its pointed out or obvious. i still don't know who i am and i barely recognize myself anymore, not that i ever have. i feel like im getting worse and the slightest conflict will make me want to off myself.(although thats not new ive felt that way even in elementary). i feel the older i get the more risky shit i do. i can't stop wishing something horrific happens to me so i can have a reason to feel this way. i cant talk to anyone because my mummy cries when i tell her how i really feel and calls herself shitty and not good enough.
if anyone can relate to this please add me. i feel like im crazy and no one seems to relate.
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-ˋˏ✄┈ 𝔯𝔦𝔯𝔦 ♡ˎˊ˗
i understand you completely, i am a person who hates using labels and titles because it feels like im being pushed under a specific uh place? im not sure how to explain it. im always changing i always change the name i go by, my opinions, my likes and dislikes, i live in saudi, but i am originally from egypt. this summer i visited and met up with my bsf, she was like wow its so weird, youve changed. and jokingly pretended to be upset about it. i was surprised about what she has said because not only is it true, she noticed. i was surprised someone paid that much attention to me? nobody ever does that. so i get you, my dms are open if you feel like talking to someone.
Zoseph
I can very much relate to this! But I have a little more insight for myself, depression, and DID (Dis-associative Identity Disorder) run in my family. So even though my final diagnosis was slightly unclear officially I have PTSD, which causes the symptoms of disassociation, paranoia, and manipulative daydreaming.
My clinician made it clear that the main thing that stopped them from saying it's for sure just DID was that I was able to maintain a quality of life for myself, so for the purpose of the trail they did not think medicine would help unless I regressed, but they also said that in times of duress that could change, so getting checked again if my symptoms worsened was important. They also said it could get better over time, and maybe it has, or I've gotten better at living.
But the main thing is that you may be disassociating. Like, if your personality is not consistent, or sometimes you literally feel like you do not have one, or you normally don't know what motivated you to do anything/ struggle with motivation because you are not invested in anything are like, huge signs of disassociation.
One of my flags is that my opinion would change on things, but I always had the same fact in my head. The other is that even stuff that is supposed to be like, an intrinsic fight or flight motivator to protect yourself largely did not kick in: Like, being aware that someone is trying to bully you and neither fighting back nor freezing, nor running, but just like, acting like it doesn't matter if you get hurt or not bc you don't really care? Happened to me, most of the times people would be just bullies for fun and so leave once disinterested in my nothingness, but the more violent type don't tolerate being ignored....
Anyway, to cope bc my personality wasn't stable enough to have a coherent opinion on anything or make frens until like grade 4, I started assigned actions and reactions that came from me that I did not identify with code names. Maybe you could try it out to see if you can maybe see why the feels ain't feeling, cause I figured out I was feeling 2 feelings at once and it wasn't processing so all I was feeling inside was TV static, had to manage the channels lol.
I'm adding you, please tell me if anything here sounds relatable to you as well!
Hey I just realized you were 15, please feel free to delete my fren request! Good luck out there be safe!
by Zoseph; ; Report
i relate heavily to all of your experiences, i strongly thing that i have disassociation. although i am not self diagnosing!! I do get bullied but in terms i just turn into them? change everything about myself? the more i think about this the more these words start scrambling. i have talked with a past friend who had manipulative daydreaming and i also believe i do that too, i have my own world i made due to not having many friends in 1-6th grade. i am now a sophomore and i will go crazy if i stay in the real world for too long its honestly the only thing ive ever looked forward too.
excuse the late reply i was trying to put words together, and sorry if it doesnt make sense
by mae♥; ; Report