bored and broke

hey spacehey users

past couple of days have been different to put it lightly. my mom found out all of the lies I had told her, (not all but enough) she banned me from staying with my girlfriend, and whatnot but what happened was something I didn't expect to happen. when I came home from work she was waiting for me, we started talking and she said she had seen a notebook on my dresser so she opened it and read it. I've had multiple conversations with my mom before about things like this but, that all aside she didn't listen. she had read my vent book. luckily for us both it was just started so there wasn't all she could get me for. but my privacy feels breached and I don't feel secure. she told me to live my life.

that she didn't care and to just live my life; it's all I've ever wanted to hear her say, I waited a whole lifetime for those words and I hated it. coming from her then, in that room, wasn't one bit satisfactory. it was so bitter, cold, and moggy I couldn't and wouldn't swallow it. she was turned to me and the look on her face almost had screamed to me that she had dealt with this for so long; almost as if she had gone through everything that she had put me through. like she was fed up, tired. im the one who's tired. I'm the only one with the right to feel that way and display it, not her. and I was so mad. it mad me angry to see her give up like it had been so hard for her. for fucks sake are you fucking kidding me? I feel I don't know how to explain how I feel. 

then she asked me, "why did you refer to yourself as boyfriend" to which I responded, since we aren't lying anymore, "because I'm a boy." and all she had to say to that was, "no you aren't" "you will never be a man, you're a woman"  over and over and over and over and over and over again until I felt fucking sick Ive never hated words and a person so much in my whole life it felt like the longest minutes I had ever gone through I've been fucked since then I can't get her out of my head and Everytime I hear her I want to fucking blow myself off the earth. 

I actually don't know if I could ever be actually happy,I mean psychotic mom and alcoholic dad or not you know. I want what I can't have, always and I've tried every which way to stop that but there isn't one. and you know someday if I do make it out alive, will I just be a husk of what I've gone through? a embodiment of my trauma and stress? will it take over me and make me something else? something ugly and hideous that destroys good things? I don't want to be the poison, but I come from poison. I need it rang out of me.

I don't like the life I was given 

I wish you were here