Feel like I'm starting to settle in a bit at my new job

Starting at this clinic was really overwhelming but I think I'm sorta getting the hang of it now. I've been way too exhausted to do any updates. This place is fucking B U S Y! I originally thought that a clinic would be way too slow and understimulating in comparison to inpatient but it definitely just depends on the location it seems.

It's not just the amount of people either, being in a clinic setting makes people feel a lot more bold and disrespectful. People are fucking assholes man. I have to mask a LOT more at this job. I basically spend the entire shift only speaking when necessary because if I exert too much energy I'll have a verbal shutdown. And with labcorp you're trained to work at the front desk and in the back processing so it's like 3 jobs. I do enjoy processing a lot it's really fun, I can play music and I don't have to talk to anyone I just brainlessly follow the instructions on the screen like I'm a kid playing scientist. Switching between front desk and drawing patients is very tiring tho. It's like even tho I'm literally a licensed phlebotomist and draw blood daily the patients still see me as a glorified secretary and they feel entitled to step all over me. Also insurance is so annoying and confusing and I hate having to put in people's insurance. And the computers go down at least once a month like this company's tech sucks ass. 

Most of the patients at the clinic are really old so they're very rude to me because I hit too many checkmarks of "weird confused freak." I'm young, a person of color, trans, very neurodivergent even when I'm trying to hide it they can tell at least a little, and I dress alternatively (as much as I can at least cuz dress code) so they're judging me literally all the time. And like most of the patients in the hospital were also old but idk something about the inpatient setting shuts them up and makes them more grateful. You can tell it's harsh bc I live in an area that's very well known as being one of the most accepting places for queer people in America and I've experienced more overt transphobia working here than I have in my whole life. Personally, I find it very funny, transphobes are so comically ignorant that I can't really take them seriously tbh. It is still very sad tho bc not everyone can shake it off like that and it's a very real problem that contributes to the extremely high suicide rate in trans people. It doesn't bother me on a personal level but it does make me feel anger thinking about how many other trans people are experiencing the same thing and worse things every second of every day. I gotta make light of it to get through the day tho. One dude like straight up called me a victim to my face like 2 seconds after I walked in the room, that was fucking HILARIOUS! Like my guy literally w h a t are you talking about HJSGJHSJH it was while I was shadowing a coworker too I felt bad she was so uncomfortable and I literally didn't even hear him. Auditory processing disorder go brr I straight up had no idea what he said until after he left and she started talking to me about it. 

One major complaint I definitely have is they did not tell me during my interview that I was being hired as a closer and that it was the kind of position where you do not leave until the job is done. That shit was rude asf that is certainly something you're supposed to inform me about. I'm starting to get better at closing tho I haven't been exponentially late like when I started. Closing is pretty peaceful, no one's around so I get to sing along to my music and process. Still I wouldn't have chosen it but I'm stuck here for rn. The girl that I close with is super chill to I really like her. She's funny and we have really similar lore and literally all the exact same diagnosis' except I have bpd while she has bipolar. I actually felt comfortable talking to her about mental health stuff with no hesitation which is generally pretty rare for me, especially my bpd diagnosis cuz that one's so new and so stigmatized. I could tell from her vibe she wasn't gonna judge me cuz from what I've heard she's like objectively more unstable than I am. We have nearly the exact same backstory but she seemed to gain more of a fight/flight response while I gained more of a fawn/flight response so she's a lot more confident and blunt than I am. Obviously not minimizing her struggles cuz it clearly comes with cons but I frequently find myself wishing I developed that way instead. My therapist and I are currently working on finding the middle ground between embracing anger and defending myself while not going into an irrational bpd rage and hurting people when they don't deserve it. 

I've also been meeting a lot of the floats, there's a few of them that I really wish were permanent staff. There's also a few floats I wish would never float here again they're annoying asf. I've noticed so far there's like only two kinds of floats. They either are really nice, communicate, focus on tasks and pull their weight, or they slack off, hide in the back not doing anything, AND USE ALL THE FUCKING BUTTERFLY NEEDLES EVEN THO THEY KNOW WE HAVE LIMITED STOCK. Make me wanna shoot myself. Overall, I feel like it's getting a little easier tho, I'm just really tired all the time.