Letters from an                                   Unloved

        “Nothing hurts more than realizing they meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to them.”- Maya Angelou 

                        Prologue 

                                                (small dive into the future)

A warm breeze floods this small town. The sun looms over this place casting a beautiful shade, and light all over. Not a cloud in the sky. The temperature isn't hot, nor cold, it's practically perfect. Nothing can be heard besides the birds singing a sweet lullaby. It's around 7 am. Everyone should be sleeping, and those who are awake, are keeping quiet and enjoying the peace. Everything seems to be perfect here..

Around 7:10, the peace between me and my love is rudley and suddenly disturbed by the sounds of loud sobbing. No one can hear such excruciating sobs except for me and the one I love. It pains me that they see me like this. That they have to deal with the guilt of making me cry. Hurting the one they love. But deep down, I'm aware.. They don't love me. They hate me with every inch of their body. I mean nothing to them. But I still choose, to hold onto hope, that they love me. They have too! After my countless gifts, countless letters, endless love, they have to be in love with me! No way they could throw that away! That'd be sick! Cruel even! Maybe.. Right..?

My sobs are constant, tears are streaming down my face. I'm sitting in the middle of a hallway, on my knees.Ripped up papers, and gifts spread all around me, stained with tears and blood. In the distance I can hear my door slamming shut. 

My love, how could you do this to me.. 

No….

 It can't end like this. I have to keep trying. I know, I can make you love me. It's only just a matter of time, until you love me more than I do you. 

But, clearly, what I've done hasn't worked. What have I been doing wrong? Let's retrace my steps. 

First…

How did I get to this point?

                                     “  We worry about what a child will become tomorrow  yet, we forget that he's someone today”- Stacia Tauscher 

                         Chapter 1

Diary entry :1

Date: 09/02/19

Love and affection aren't good friends of mine. They're more like acquaintances, people you know of but wouldn't normally interact with unless forced. I know love exists as well as affection, but I choose to neglect it. Do I believe true love exists? Sure. I mean it can, but I believe it only exists for certain people. For example: those couples you always see in movies. Sure on screen their lovey-dovey, hopelessly romantic, love sick with each other, And people believe that, that's true love. But it's not. In reality, they hardly know each other. As soon as they are off set, they don't give a damn about one another. Just another stranger they're forced to hangout with. Or it ends up being an “on-set fling” They date while the movie is shooting but as soon as the curtain calls, one dumps the other, and now their fans are crying and picking sides. See? Those are shitty, not true love. But just because of that, doesn't mean true love doesn't exist. True love love totally exists. For example: You know those really old couples? Happily married for around 30-40 years, always holds hands when they go out, goes on dates weekly, always finds a way to talk about the other, sits on the porch and just watches the day go by, not knowing they are doing absolutely nothing, because they are too focused on their love. That's true love. Someone you're willing to stay with, forever and ever. Someone you'd still hug and kiss after a fight. Someone you wouldn't consider breaking up with after a minor inconvenience. That's true love, and always will be. Have I ever experienced either of the relations I just talked about? No. 

What about affection? I've heard of her, but never experienced her. I've never felt a genuine hug, never experienced a soft kiss to the head, while my back is being gently rubbed. Never heard words such as “Im proud of you” or “you're doing great” or “I love you” Genuinely. I mean sure I've heard those words all before, many many times. But they were never genuine. They never made me feel accomplished or loved. They always came out in a tone that sounded almost, unphased? Like it was secretly telling me that  I can do better. I've always seen people either giving or receiving affection in shows or on the streets. And when I was younger, I craved it. I wanted it more than I wanted love. I wanted to be held by someone who put me before others. I yearn to be told that I'm appreciated and that there's someone who adores me enough to even use the word adore.

I'm getting ahead of myself. But don't you kinda have to be yourself when writing diaries? Like what if you suddenly become famous and then one day you die. Your fans would want to look at this diary and know exactly how you thought and felt. Anyways, just in case I do become famous, people need to know who I am, so they know this diary didn't belong to some poser. My name is Vincent Angelos . I'm a 20 year old guy, who's only been outside a handful of times. I was homeschooled ever since I was little. No, I'm not a weird homeschooled kid who tried hanging out with the popular kids talking about something stupid like, “evilest anime villain” no. Ew. No no no, I was a homeschool kid who kept to himself and did whatever his parents told him to.

Ever since I was conscious, my parents have always had a “you can do better attitude” Growing up I was good, maybe even great, at many things. However, my parents always found someone who was younger than me, that also did it better than me.  Whenever they “ complimented” my works, and talents, their tones were odd, A tone that would even make a 13 year old who beats their face with makeup, insecure. 

At the age of 5 that's when my homeschooling began. They skipped the kindergarten stage and went straight to 3rd grade. My parents always wanted me to be something special. And they've told me that ever since I was little. One quote from my father I remember vividly was, “You gotta be great in life. Nothing more, nothing less, me and your mother wont except a son who slaves his days away working in some cubicle. We only accept the best. Grow up to be something special, like a world-famous doctor or president? Mk?” Those words stuck to be like glue for basically my whole life. 

I felt as if they would only love me, if I was amazing in life. So, that's what I did. I tried my best over and over again. I was smarter than many other kids, more talented. Every month we would go to some stupid competition and I'd always come home with the first place medal. But still, even after that, they seemed unimpressed.

I was completely shelled off from society. I could only go outside when they told me to, I couldn't have a phone or socials  till I turned 19, couldn't have friends, and in my free-time I read above grade level books and the dictionary. Basically any book that was educational and not fiction, I had. Did I ever miss society? Not really. Even before I was homeschooled they wouldn't really let me go outside (unless one of them was with me). So how could I miss something that I never really experienced. 

I just turned 20 a week ago.. I don't feel 20, you know? I still feel 19? I still feel like a kid…no I don't feel like a kid. But I don't feel like an adult either. But my feelings are besides the point. So, I've had socials for a year. If someone ever reads this they might think that I must've been on my phone 24/7 ,  seeing what I've missed out on, catching up. But no. Actually, I hardly ever use my phone. I've learned to live without one so now I don't really see a point of having one. I just don't understand “the hype” Everything you can do on a phone, you can do off one too. For example: Texting: writing letters. Listening to music: learn an instrument and play it yourself, watching videos of people enjoying life outside: go outside and enjoy it for real life.  I probably sound old, and rude but I promise I'm not! Just wanting to get my opinion out there! Remember, opinions are just opinions, they’re someone else's suggestions or personal preferences. If no one is pushing it onto you, then just leave it alone. 

Anyway, enough about the past. What about right now? What's my life like right now, at this very moment. Well currently, it's 12:42 am. I'm alone in my dorm (I don't have a roommate) . I'm writing out of a random journal I found at the dollar store, with a pen I found on the floor. I'm a first year at a writing based collage. I sorta like it here? I mean I never have to venture off of campus, since campus is basically just like a tiny little town. 

The first semester just ended, which means we’re starting our winter vacation. Many people are leaving to visit their families, I'm not. But that's fine. I picture the campus to be very peaceful and nice while everyone is gone. I'll run into less people, which means less talking and pestering for me. And I could stay in my room for as long as I pleased without being judged by the other students (who are just as strange as me by the way). 

I was the first to finish all my finals. I got good scores too. I wouldn't consider them perfect but others would. 

I promise you, I'm better at writing than this. Just not good at writing autobiographies ! I can only go on about myself for so long. I'm more used to writing fiction ! Fiction is waaay easier to write. No matter how crazy it is, it always somewhat makes sense? (except for fanfics…ew)  

I'll probably just write in here whenever I'm bored or by the slight chance something interesting happens. 

Until then.

Diary entry: 2

09/04/19

Currently, I'm in class. We’re having a party in class since it's the day before winter break. Everyone around me is smiling, hanging with their friends, and being happy. But me (and some other people ) are just sitting about with nothing to do. The other people are on their phones, or listening to music. But of course I have to be the odd one out and pull out a stupid journal. Theoretically, I could put the journal away and take out my phone but, I made a promise to write in this whenever I'm bored (and I would have no one to text if I went on my phone) 

I'm trying to keep the writing to a minimum though, Since there's these two girls next to me. I don't want them to assume I'm a weirdo with some little diary he writes his thoughts and feelings in. 

The teacher asked if I could clean the board since I wasn't doing anything. And I did it but, I didn't enjoy it. Not because it was dirty, but because I felt everyone's eyes on me.. The boredom is in the front of the class so I could just feel everyone turning their heads and just staring at me, slowly cleaning the boredom. It was uncomfortable to say the least.. I kept turning around, expecting to see people staring at me, but every time I looked…There was no one.. It may be a paranoia thing, BUT I SWEAR PEOPLE WE’RE STARING AT ME !!!!!

Anyways, the bell is gonna ring in 3 minutes, so i'm gonna pack up. 

I'll try to write over break.. Bye.

“Trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory”-Bessel Van Der Kolk”

                  Chapter 2

Diary entry: 3

Date:10/06/19

Where am I? A plane. Why am I on a plane? My parents requested I visit them, to see if i'm doing well on my own, how much i've evolved educationally and physically. (And to see my grades). Why did I accept it if I seem to hate my parents so much? To be completely honest with you, I'm not sure.

I'm seated  in the window seat. Seated in the middle, is a slim guy resting his head on the head rest. He looks comfy, he has a neck pillow and headphones on. I'm assuming he's around 20? I can't tell if he's resting his eyes or sleeping. And in the aisle is a nervous looking teenage girl. She seems sweet. She looks to be doing school work on her (judging by its broken condition) old laptop. Oh well. Not the worst people to be seated next to, definitely some of the calmest. That's good. There was a baby crying earlier, it was annoying so I put my earbuds in. I'm not listening to anything, I just didnt wanna hear that baby anymore. I don't know if it's still crying but I'm not taking any chances (I swear babies should be banned from planes.)

Something happened yesterday and I just can't stop thinking about it.  Remember how I mentioned that my campus was like a little town and basically had everything? Well I was in a small coffee shop they have there. The guy who took my order was nice.. He looked amazing even though it was so early in the morning. He was such a kind person too. His words sounded kinda forced though? But I'm not gonna think about that. When he handed me my coffee our hands brushed together. I'm sure it was casual but I swear I felt something… And once I was finished his shift ended as well. So we walked out side by side. I even stumbled a bit and he asked if I was okay…

I'm reading too much into it.

Shit I sound crazy.

It’ll most likely pass. Last time I felt like this, it turns out I just wanted to be their friend. And that ended with me getting banned from waffle house..

Anyways, I'm gonna sleep for a bit, my hand hurts from writing.

I'll write whenever I'm awake and get the chance. 

                                                                                                  Night