lonely rambling

this may be cliche but i genuinely feel so alone. there's no one around me i can call a friend. no best friend, no close friend. sometimes i'll reply to my coworkers stories on instagram, sometimes they'll reply to mine. im not super close to them though, some of them are close and will hang out outside of work, like real friends. i get jealous of it but theres not much i can really do. im too anxious to really put myself out there, and even if i did i'd feel like a burden or inconvenience. i cant drive, dont know how. cant make plans, dont know how. cant suggest places to go, dont know much of the area. i want to, but i dont know anything. i just hide in my house all day. i rarely even go out to the gas station down the street anymore, even when my younger asks me to go with him. i rarely go out to the park with my younger sister, even when she asks me to. they ask me less and less. they have their own friends to hang out do things with. my brother is going to the mall on friday with his friends. my sister sees her friends almost everyday. im jealous of them too. im just home watching tv, scrolling social media, playing mobile games. i dont talk to anyone other than my family and my boyfriend. but i still feel like a burden to them. my boyfriend especially, he has friends he talks to everyday, they have so many conversations. his family is huge he's always hanging out with them. i love my boyfriend, but i'm jealous of him too. sometimes i feel like we dont have real conversations, i think it's my fault though. im too scared of what he thinks of me. i wish i can be more like his friends. they talk so freely to him, with little to no care in the world. they make him laugh so hard, he has fun with them, hes always smiling when talking and joking around them. im jealous of them too, and i dont even know their names. i dont like feeling like this. but i am constantly isolating myself anf its my fault i dont have any friends. even my best friend from elementary school, or my best friend from high school. ive isolated myself from them because im so sad. and now they wont talk to me like they used to. i dont like that i dont have friends but im also scared to make friends. what if i become real close with a few coworkers but once we stop working together i isolate myself and repeat the cycle. i dont know how to make friends, i dont know how to keep friends. i think i am meant to be lonely. growing up i felt alone, why must it change now? as if the divine, the man upstairs, whatever, whoever, made me to be alone. i hope next time, my soul wont have to be lonely. i hope my soul will be welcomed and appreciated in the next.