OCD

Hey guys, this might contain some heavy topics about my struggles with mental health over the years, so be warned! I won't say anything too graphic or the like but I wanted to talk about it a bit since it's been heavy on my mind lately.

Today I talked to my therapist about the possibility of me having OCD alongside my other diagnoses - it's likely that I've had OCD-like tendencies for over a decade now but it was especially triggered by my last long-term relationship. Most of my compulsions are based on checking on other people constantly, their profile, status, messages to me or messages I've sent them, I will also constantly look for reassurance from others that I haven't done something wrong and send pictures of my texts to people to make sure I said the right things. In doing this I also tend to over-explain myself to the point where it overwhelms the other person - I just don't want them to misunderstand me, and I want them to know what is happening in my mind because I want to know what is happening in their mind. 

This stems from a fear of the unknown, a fear of uncertainty, and a fear of being a bad person at my core. I have had these worries for years, especially since high-school.

The conclusion that I've come to is that I have to be comfortably in the uncomfortable. I have to be okay with things being left unknown. I can't seek the reassurance that has been like a drug to me all these years, and I have to find reassurance in myself by showing myself compassion. 

damn.