Not Quite Dead, Yet!

Event Management Is Exhausting.

Especially project management specifically. 

If you haven't guessed already, I just came back from a four day long project, who would have guessed. Saying that I am exhausted would be an understatement, to say the least. Having to supervise and organize over 100 a.f.a.b. people and teens drained every single bit of social energy out of me. And don't get me wrong, I wasn't treated badly for the most part (even if, then it would be nothing personal but rather circumstantial) but having to be on guard and at the ready 24/7 with little sleep still takes quite a toll on you. Especially considering that I have only had one single free day after about 5 days (me and a colleague arrived at our location a day prior) non stop work, I am surprised that I even managed to move myself into the office at all today and yesterday. 

I am, however, only barely alive physically and mentally completely dead in exchange...Hence why I am writing here instead of busying myself with work. Maybe the fact that I have only drank coffee and soda today doesn't make it better though. I should really pay more attention to my liquid intake. 

This project repeats every damn year...And every damn year I get reminded how much I do NOT want to work in Project Management specifically later on. I will stick to concerts at most please and thank you.

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"Konsumopfer"

Excuse the german slang here, but there just isn't a word in the english language that conveys the same meaning. "Konsumopfer" could be roughly translated at "consumerism victim" or "victim OF consumerism". 

Now that I earn a bit more money after my traineeship, I am noticing how incredibly hard it is not to fall victim to buying everything you want immediately. Maybe that is also just my guilty conscience talking though. 

Reason for that being me having bought quite a few (quite expensive) things at once recently. All of these items were on my "to get" list for a while anyway but still; it feels wrong.

The fear of overestimating my financial security persists evermore, regardless of my savings. And don't get me wrong, I am not broke because of these things. Logically, I have more than enough saved up should I really need it. I think it's got more to do with "wanting too much" and "spending irresponsibly" as well as not wanting to be wasteful with materialistic things. It's so easy to just spend and spend and clutter up your life with things you don't need nowadays, especially with the rise of fast fashion. That's also the reason I rarely buy clothes at all, let alone send them back because they don't fit or buying the same thing in multiple sizes just to try them on and compare them. If I get something and it ends up not fitting me perfectly I will just take the L and work with it. A big part of alternative culture is (or should be as it's always been) diy-ing your clothes anyway. 

Still, I fear of doing "something wrong" every time I buy something. Be it environmentally, ethically or financially.

I suspect it has something to do with the way I was raised...probably.

(One thing I do not regret buying whatsoever though are TRIPP NYC pants. Those are the most comfortable and...ironically...practical pants i own now. Pockets so deep you can carry a 1L bottle in them...Insane)

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Speaking of Spending Money

I'm getting yet another tattoo at the end of the month. 

Hypocritical regarding the previous column, I know. 

Sadly enough the good ol' "You Only Live Once" mentality has been outweighing the guilt trip recently. However, I set the appointment at the end of the month on purpose since I will be getting payed there. That way I can at least say "I haven't spend impulsively but rather waited until I got payed again". 

This time it's going to be placed on the back of my neck. A truly beautiful ornamental piece from a tattoo artist near me who, funnily enough, was one of our event technicians a few years back. Aka she was my colleague for the first year of my traineeship. Because of that I truly feel a lot more comfortable going to that appointment and also paying her what she deserves. She hasn't been full time employed from what I gathered and she has been struggling to make ends meet because of a lack of clients. So having her work as a Workshop leader at our project last week as well as being able to make an appointment with, knowing it will help her financially, makes me a little less regretful about the amount of money I have spend so far this month. It will have more of a purpose than just...buying something for myself. More validity. More value, you could say.

It's kind of funny how my first ever tattoo was done by her, a simple but relatively big stick and poke of some mushrooms done at her place, and now my newest piece will be done by her as well. With a proper machine, in a proper studio this time. 

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Sometimes I Wonder...

who even reads these blog entries. Or if anyone reads them at all. Because chances are pretty high that no one ever even sees these, which is, to some extend, the purpose of a website like this I'm aware. But a few people I know are on here OR know of this blog in general INCLUDING the fact that I am quite active here. Do people remember that? Do they lurk and quietly read along the stuff that I puke out? 

Completely disregarding if they find it offensive, weird, cringe or entertaining of course. Because I myself am guilty of just reading through random blogs without saying anything. Most of the time because I actually have nothing to say, which in return doesn't mean I don't find what I read interesting. I at least try to leave Kudos whenever I find a blog post well written or intriguing. But not everyone does that; just like you won't leave a like on every post you come across on other social medias. Especially if you don't want the creator to know that you have seen their content.

As creepy as it sounds, I sometimes miss the ability to stalk someones Likes and general online activity on other platforms. It led me to accounts that post similar stuff to things I already follow or gave me an insight of what my friends were up to. In a way I also loved to interpret stuff based on someones Like history (knowing those are just fun assumptions and not anything substantial of course). It fed into my delusions a bit too due to confirmation bias, haha!

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I'll have Friday and next Monday free because of all the extra hours I worked last week and honestly can't wait to spend at least one day sleeping for like 13 hours at once. For now I will probably just try to not pass out for the last 45 minutes before my workday ends.

And if anyone that knows me is reading this: The things I talk about on here are only as serious and genuine as you make them out to be. That includes entries you suspect are about you ;)

But in all honesty, maybe the chance that some specific people have found my blog would explain some behavioral changes towards me recently. Suspicious, suspicious!