FUCK MY LIFE (TW:sh)

I'm so out of it right now. I feel weird. I know why and it's because I went two days without one of my strongest medications and it fucking sucks ass right now. I've had an ongoing mirgaine for the past week and the meds my doctor gave me for them hasn't really been helping very much. I feel like shit and this migraine is making my day so much harder to do. I've been thinking about sending myself to a hospital because I've been having hallucinations of people telling me to kill myself or other people. I'm not scared of hurting others or myself, sadly I'm used to it but everyone around me doesn't like it. I get why it just sucks that I have these thoughts. I've also been mad that everytime I bring up a hospital, my mom says that "she can't handle it again". How does she think I felt all the other 9 times I went? Like at this point, it's her mental health or my life. I'm mainly just ranting right now but honestly, I just need to be alone. Left alone to rot. I don't wanna be around people. I wanna be in my room, left alone. Like people make me mad and my MDD has been hitting a low again. I'm so fucking tired all the time and I can't seem to get my therapist to help me get a job, even after she said she would help. Like I'm about to just apply to jobs myself and see how the fuck that goes. Like this is so annoying. I can't win for fucking losing. I just rely on discord to distract me from the anger and the fucking thoughts. Nobody seems to understand how bad I really am right now. I miss when people didn't know about my issues. It helped me get over things but now everybody is always telling me how much I've grown when I really haven't. I've learned how to shut my mouth. I'm about to just give the mask up and show these people what really happens. My mom thought my sleep was good. Bitch I go to bed at 3am and wake up at 7am and am up for the whole day. She gets more sleep than me like bro. I'm so done with my mom thinking she knows what's wrong. Like she doesn't know I've been doing drugs behind her back and I've been abusing my meds. Like she needs a reality check.