actually..

this is under philosophy because i had an epiphany of the perfect thing to write after a brief moment of not having any idea of what to write...

i recently had a huge surgery that cut my maxilla and mandible out of my face. besides all the drainage from my nose, mouth, and brain it feels, im finally at a healing point. (its been specifically a week since i went under!)

school starts in two days, on thursday, and im still slightly swollen (i have healed really expedientally so far, so thats good) but, im not at 100 yet. more of a visual thing, though i think i could go to school and not have any difficulties- people are shallow minded and ass holes! even keeping to myself, in the town i reside people think its their business  and something they can address. which yes, im posting this not anonymously at all, but i mean in the sense, rude people who could see that my mouth is a little puffier than normal. and noticing it wouldnt be the big deal. again, its people thinking that they have to comment on everything. 

i wish i could go back to school because id enjoy starting my last first day the same time as everyone else.... but dealing with less stress isnt something i should complain about.

i bet if i didnt have my surgery id be wishing to not have to start school. probably because id be having fun, not homebound with blood in my sinuses and online on spacehey.

it does make it difficult for me to keep my anxiety down because of starting my new college courses too- without the assistance of a teacher. which shouldnt prohibit me any, in the age of tech im sure any copy and paste resource teachers in america use is something i can find in one safari search.

thats something i should engrave in my head : i have a computer for school, and being in virtual school during the pandemic didnt really prevent me from learning, just prevented my social interaction and social interaction is something i regularly have. so, in no way should i be behind anyone just because i dont go in person until a week or so after everyone else. 

looking to the brighter side, maybe ill excel so well with my classes doing everything online that i wont even feel too pressured to come back after my complete recovery. in best case scenario.

i do miss my friends, of course. i keep in touch, but i dont stay in constant communication. kind of shocking for me, as someone who likes a good discussion. but it isnt always in my control. everyones busy at some point and im sure that im too difficult of someone to forget. at least id hope so.

having a surgery does create a lot of mental setback- mainly because right after when youre in that shock wave of pain the only thing you can do is to think. i didnt realize what a gift it was to just be able to eat and drink. EAT AND DRINK. i cant even believe im saying that. prior to surgery i barely drank anything and ate like a bird. i wasnt really hungry too much, and i have struggled with anorexia** keep in mind. but god, you really do need food. everyone does. i havent eaten 'actual' food since July 29th which was night before surgery. getting all of my meals from liquids- and by what ive been drinking isnt as abundant as youd think. 

like i drink milk and lemonade and whatever else i feel like swallowing. so of course, ive been groggy. not as grumpy as expected, but damn, i miss being able to eat. and having a big family, last night they made a nice spaghetti meal and the most i could do was smell it. i sound so sad lol, but if your mouth is capable to chewing and breaking down solids, think of the people who cant and it might make your perspective a little more joyful. like yayyy, i can eat! just be glad you didnt have a surgery, ya know. this is to uplift those people who can eat some food. 

yall eat for me LMFAO, please

and as someone who has an eating disorder, oh my gosh, you know im about to BINGE my life away as soon as my mouth can operate. but its okay. i think im like 90 pounds at the moment. and ive never been that thin, ever. i mean ive always been very skinny, but 90 is scary. at least for my height, im 5'7, so i do need a little more. a lot more. 

it is CRAZY that the surgeons instructed me to drink 2.5 liters a day in order to keepup my weight. 

but reasonable. i would try it if i felt like drinking that much. sometimes i feel like im drowing in all the fluids. 

please like i want some canes or some zaxbys 

i want to chew that chicken too, if someone EVER blended my zaxbys up id be pissed

 enough of my ranting, to any stranger that mightve read this, id do the same for you :)

will stay updated with my own personal little procedure blog. (for the fun)

have a beautiful day today everyone, stay positive, be happy

and maybe you want to be sad, and thats okay too. but im probably the happiest ive ever been with no real reason to be happy- just a new perspective on life that has taught me that there are more things to look forward to and you can find hope all around, if you tryto find it. the bad, youll find it.

xoxo, alora grace.