Dear Diary; Mood Apathetic 11/19/21

?

-

No?

I'm not quite sure what to do with this thing. Blogging I mean. And I don't type/write proper. I write how I would say it, pauses and run on sentences and all.

Sometimes separated and bundled like this

Like a separate sentence coming in as an instant message chat

Or a separate idea that's bundled and then on to the next thought

So some of you may find this horrendous to read. But I'm not sure who all is going to be reading it. I wouldn't.

I created this account because, I guess, I'm looking to have something that's just mine. Something slightly anonymous, I mean it's not that anonymous I have my pictures on it. But to have something that in a sense is just -me-

I'm a wife and a mother of two

Yada yada yada

But I've slightly lost myself outside of that

Slightly?

No, I've lost myself outside of that.

My life has become nothing but tasks. I can care for and teach my kids all day and keep a clean house. I also work from home. Outside of being a wife and mother I have nothing. Not even a break to find myself again. Even as I type this at 6:30 in the morning I have my newborn (is she even considered a newborn anymore? Shes a month and a half) sleeping on me in my bed.

Yup curled up in the crook of my arm.

Why?

Because she is so dependent on being with me. 

From day one. 

Won't live off of me.

So I'm forced to co-sleep.

And not even the co-sleep where she has her own space on the bed. Or sleeps in an open ended bassinet next to me. NOPE she has to skin to skin sleep on my chest. SO DANGEROUS I KNOW.

YOU DONT HAVE TO INFORM ME!

"But you could suffocate your child!!!!"

Don't you think that though had crossed my mind?

Unfortunately she won't sleep on her back, rather she doesn't want to be on her back ever. She hates the swaddle. And even laying her on her front in her crib in her room, I don't even make it down the hall before she cry's for me again.

I've tried laying her in different positions, getting her warm winter fleece fuzzy lined swaddles (she loves blankets and sweating to death) I EVEN SPENT THE MONEY ON A CRESCENT WOMB STUPID MEDICAL GRADE MESH BABY CRIB HAMMOCK

She won't sleep

In any other way

Than on my chest

The good news is she only wakes up twice a night sleeping with me

The bad news is I have horrible back pain and am sleep deprived because of it.

And my husband doesn't even know how to take care of both kids enough to let me go take a proper nap and have a break.

Don't get me wrong, he knows how to feed them and change them, and make sure they don't die.

But mainly he knows how to play.

And with my koala of a baby, if he has her he doesn't know how to have her and take care of the toddler. 

'Oh I'm holding baby?"

-couch lock-

He won't even get up to pee

And my toddler is too smart for her own good and gets into things

One day I tried to lay down and not even 3 mins later the toddler fell off the back of the couch and landed head first and started SCREAMING

I ran upstairs and he's couch locked with the baby 

Doesn't even lift a hand

Just nodds towards the toddler and asks for me to tend to her.

🤦‍♀️

Did that emoji work?

We'll see.

BUT ANYWAY

Yeah

0 break for me

And that's why I'm here!

Only now that I've coded and decorated my page.

I still see

I don't know how to be anything other than a mom and a wife.

It is my entire being.

So my goal is to find myself.

I miss her <3