Heartbreak

A dude I dated like a year ago almost finally called it off for good. Sort of? It was a whole thing. He ended things but stated that "he wanted to try again" and I was still attached horribly and concerned so I stayed in contact. And then he ended up kissing me when we met again in person. So I mistakenly thought we were back together but no, because he "wasn't ready". It went like that for a bit, we weren't together but would make out in his car and talk every night and have such nice conversations I'd like to think. Emotional ones. 

Then things went south again. I don't quite remember what exactly what happened, which goes to show how many times this has happened. But then we made up again and went back to being "friends" while still, again, making out. Then I remember going to his house, and simply because I was insecure I denied any sexual acts and then he called things off again, likely from his own insecurities I'm not too sure. Then we made up. Again. 

Then I found out he flirted with some random girl he just met (friends siblings were being little shits, that and I was an asshole by possibly encouraging them to see what would happen. I found out though didn't I). And then things ended once again. 

But, we ended up making up yet again. And things were so much better this time, possibly because I was actually moving on yet again. I stated I was okay with us being friends, and he told me "I don't think I can be friends with you. I like you too much. I can't." So I was going to go, "ok. then we don't talk to each other anymore. Goodbye." But, yet again, we "made up" and things went so good that time around. He was so sweet and lovely this time around. And then, out of nowhere, he ends things again. Stated "You aren't right for me. I never wanted to get back together with you, and I knew it the whole time." So, obviously, we stopped talking. 

And, because I am an idiot, I came back. Again. But then I found out he was talking to someone else and I wished him a "go talk to her then. bye." And I came back. (Are we even surprised at this point?) And asked if there was still a chance, because, guys, I am so in love with him it's so bad. I care about him greatly, even now I still do. And he said he would get back to me. But then it turns out he doesn't have any feelings for me anymore and thought that we could now be friends. I told him to delete my number and block me if he had no intentions with me anymore, because now the roles are reversed. I can't be friends with him. No matter how much I want him in my life I can't do it if it's not in the way I want. It hurts. 

I made the mistake of taking him up on his offer to get things off my chest and got mad at him. I ended up calling him self centered. Which is probably not far from the truth. But I was still possibly a bit too harsh on him. 

I still miss him a lot. I miss how things were when we started dating. I miss having someone to talk to who cared about me. But it's over now and I have to deal with it. 

That's it really.