homeschooling. (vent)

i am homeschooled, and i hate it with every bone, every blood cell, every hormone in my body, i am so lonely and mentally unwell its not even funny. i am 13 and have to start all over again from 2nd grade because my parents lack the correct resources and kindness to teach me correctly.

i can barely even tell time. i cant divide, most math problems i cant solve without a calculator, i cant count money, any subtraction or addition problem with numbers higher than 10 makes me internally panic, i cant focus for shit and ive been struggling with suicide idealation and maybe depression since i was 5

i cant even talk to people in general, imagine a alien sneaking onto earth and disgusing themselves, its the perfect disguise, they look just like one of us

they could go on a walk and buy some coffee, nobody would even assume something was off

its perfect right? wrong. there is a flaw

the alien doesnt know the human language no matter what the alien does, they just cant seem to learn it

theyll watch movies, theyll listen in on the people talking around them, they will practice it in the mirror

no matter what the alien does, they just cant learn it

the alien wishes to be included, the alien wants to make friends and talk to people, be as bold in real life as it is online/ inside of its mind

but when it tries to, it all comes out wrong, they say things without thinking about it first, they stutter and even when they are being nice, their tone comes out rude. and they cant control their facial expression, when it rests it looks blank and irritated.

the aliens cover is blown, and they know it.

the way people look at them now, when they know that theres something different about you, everyone knows.

thats what i feel like, a alien, some entirely different entity, i damn near shit myself anytime i have to talk to someone,

wanna know the worst of all? i will never be freed

my parents refuse to enroll me into school because they dont want me to get shots. fucking shots.

yes, my brother did get bad eyesight after he got shots , but its 2024. that happened when he was like 7

he got to go to school before he got pulled out cuz he was getting bullied

im mean. im mean to him

i think i envy him, he was lucky enough to be around people that arent just his family, he got to make friends and talk to people, he got to get a proper education, he got to be a human.

i didnt

no wonder hes better than me and all categories, hes nice, smart, able to be himself

i cant

he got to experience a nessesary part of childhood, socialization, figuring out what group of people you belong with

i didnt

i didnt get any of that

none of it

ever

i am unable to change

i am a scrapped piece of art, one that was coming out oh, so well

if finished,  i could go viral! people would have me as their profile pictures, i would be reposted on pinterest without credit from my artist, i would be something good,i would grow up to be something good

but one mistake happened, and the artist gave up, leaving me to grow dust in the furthest depths of their sketchbook/drawing app

its a shame, because i had so much potential

but because of that one small mistake, my artist who was already on their last straw gave up

i will always be mean

i will always lack social skills

i will always wonder; "what is wrong with me? why cant i be like other kids,  why cant i be like my brother? why did i have to be born into this family" 

i will always fight my mind

i will always lose

i will never be able to reach out for help

i might aswell rot away in this house

if there is a god, he despises me, i am his entertainment of the week, my suffering is his enjoyment

above i know he laughs at me when i cry, or get the urge

i want to be alone. i want to be surrounded by friends. i want to have the girl experience. i want sleepovers. i wanna talk about boys (even though im not interested in them) i wanna have that obsessed with anime men phase with girls my age, i want to go to school i wanna be a person

but i never will be. never.

and i probably have autisim aswell but last time i brought that up to them they just said i was really bored. still think i have it

i dont even like my family im around them all the damn time i just get so sick of them

so all i have now is my bed, tiktok, fortnite, and my own thoughts that torment me everyday