goodbye, my danish sweetheart - mitski

maybe i’ll write about one song per day. 

i don’t remember if i’ve listened to this song before today. regardless, it speaks to me. it evokes within me the anxiety and paranoia i’ve struggled with as of late. nothing and nobody soothes it. maybe i could cut myself free from everything that causes this pain but i know i’d regret it. i know i’d live to wonder what could’ve been if i hadn’t. 

something about this song gives off a sense of dissonance, one that i interpret as anticipating a betrayal. i feel that anticipation constantly. i wonder when, if ever, i will be able to feel everything i want to and be able to cope with that which i don’t. i can hope and pray without any inkling that it will have been enough. 

i wish i could stop blaming myself for the shortcomings of those around me but i love them too much to do so. i try. i really do. isn’t it worth it, after all, to try? i have too much love in my heart to give up. 

i do not know whether this is my greatest strength or my greatest weakness.