Life Update: End of Summer Breakup

Drug/Alcohol usage and possible SA

Current Mood: Song that you are hearing rn! It's called "U Weren't Here I Really Miss You" It reminds me of partying and missing a significant other...

Hello! I know I've been vaguely posting on my bulletins, and I see you all are confused on what's happening. A LOT has happened since I last posted a life update, but I'll just do a recap on my relationship and other things I have been doing since the breakup.

I feel so different. I've been changing every day during the summer. I feel lonely changing this much because it means I'm entering a new phase of life, and I feel estranged from my friends trying to figure myself out. I feel lonely going through all this change, therapy, and self-reflection. Since the last time I posted, I've went through a messy breakup, partied, hung out with friends, therapy sessions, and I got a job! I've also discovered new music, anime and have been fixated on new media. I feel like a new person. I'm not completely different but I'm going through some sort of metamorphosis.

Well, everyone has wondered how the breakup went. By everyone I mean most of my friends. They're nosy, I guess. I told them. I even showed them. I won't show you guys because I mean this is a public blog, I'd rather just detail what happened. Me and my boyfriend broke up like usual, it was initially due to "my communication issues" and we started off on a no-contact sort of situation. (Which isn't really no-contact when you are keeping up a TikTok streak and a RELATIONSHIP questions app Sumone) I simply agreed because he was breaking up with me and I was fine with anything he wanted. It felt like he needed space, and the position I was put in I didn't want to push. Asking for communication therapy felt like too much for me even. (Important for later)

We kept this weird "no-contact" situation until one evening we both coincidentally were drunk. I noticed he started keeping up our TikTok streak earlier and earlier every day. For a few days including that night he messaged me right at midnight... (We have a 2-hour time difference, meaning he waited an extra 2 hours to text a streak) 

Well anyways, we were drunk that evening. He texted me, DOUBLE texted me. We were only supposed to send 1 text message to keep up the streak, not to communicate. But I, being drunk and confused I texted him back asking why he sent an extra message. We kept texting and I felt increasingly uncomfortable and guilty. He told me how he lost all his friends and that he was drunk himself. I told him to go have fun with his friends but turns out he was drinking by himself. Meanwhile I was drinking at a friend's house. I wanted to go back to my friends, and I should have, but I felt bad that my own boyfriend was drinking alone and regretting the breakup. I felt bad and I had a feeling that things shouldn't have ended like they did. I still feel bad present day, when I think about how he must have felt I feel really teary. 

He told me he missed me, and that he should have opted for therapy like I originally suggested instead of breaking up with me. Every time I texted him that this felt wrong, and I wanted to go back to my friends he would spam my phone. Again, I felt bad, and I kept texting him instead of standing my ground. I wasn't at a point where I was done with him yet, I still wanted a relationship. Things got crazier, and I still remember the events despite blacking out. I don't remember the details, but I remember what happened. He started messaging sexual stuff first actually, but I was the one who sent pictures. I don't really know. It feels like we both e-molested each other LOL...

I remember blacking out and I threw up and I was thinking of him, and I went to sleep and passed out, I didn't really remember the events in detail for a while. I did remember how clingy he was being that night, and I used to remember what he said, but none of it matters anymore so I guess my brain chose to forget that too. I remember agreeing to try and delete all evidence that we texted drunk, but I didn't want to I was too tired. So, I guess he sobered up and knew we texted and while I planned to just forget it happened, he texted me again. I felt pretty gross at this point, and I assumed he did too. I know he is one who liked to forget bad things and moved on, so that was my plan as well. We texted and tried to talk about what happened that night and he pinned blame on me. He told me he felt disgusted by me despite him being the one to send sexual messages first, and well. We were both drunk, not once did he say no. He actually kept encouraging me to send pictures. The problem would be if one of us was drunk and the other sober, but since we were both under influence it just felt consensual when it really wasn't on EITHER end. Idk I feel so grossed out I cry if I think about it too much. (Fun fact I had to take 2 breaks while typing this to sob...)

I'm so glad it was an online relationship I probably would have felt a lot worse about myself if it was IRL. I was feeling so bad about myself that day. I was so weak physically and emotionally I didn't really even have the energy to tell him off for pinning blame on me and making it seem like I started the sexual advances. I didn't have the energy to tell him that he made a false promise. How could he misremember the sexual stuff but choose to forget his own sorrow and desperation. (He was begging for another chance and to go to therapy. When we were drunk, I told him that we could take the therapy, but to talk about it in the morning when we are sober to see if he was really serious about that. (That was obviously before the sexual advances)

I think he was too ashamed either at me or himself or both to bring up wanting another chance at the relationship when we were sober, so he just chose to blame me, make me feel bad and choose no contact. I wanted to bring up therapy, but again the situation I was in I felt like I couldn't really say anything. Even if I did, I just had this fear that I would have been seen as manipulative or he would have gotten upset at me for bringing that up. I don't know, I just pretend to forget that he wanted me back and wanted therapy like I originally suggested.

We went no contact on everything, I blocked him on everything, and he did too, at least that's what I thought. I had a few alt accounts that I forgot about and remembered I should probably block him on those since I was planning on using those alt accounts. I had 2 on twitter and 1 on Spacehey. I made this decision to block him on everything about 2 weeks after the initial no contact. I had been using my Spacehey alt for a while (the girls blogging account), but the thought didn't really cross my mind until I started having urges to check up on them. For the most part I was busy going to therapy, crying and distracting myself LOL. Anyways, I go on my alt twitter accounts to block, and I notice he was flirting with someone. I was so confused and hurt because he was so focused on telling me how I made him feel, that I was the one, that he genuinely couldn't live without me. (And for the most part he honestly can't, he's kind of a loser.)

Here he is flirting with an nsfw artist (and being rejected too LOL), I took screenshots and blocked him there, then I cried and talked to friends about it. A few days later I finally go on my Spacehey to block him on my alt account. Conveniently he posted a blog. I read it. He goes on and on about how he misses me, but he thinks I'm flirting with other men and that he hopes to visit IRL someday. I'm weirded out. I click out of the blog and am ready to block but even weirder he is online and JUST posted another blog. This blog is a lot lengthier and details similar things he mentioned in the first blog, only this time he mentions he emailed me too, as well as his regrets with flirting with randoms online. I even checked our Sumone app, and it turned out he was trying to contact me there as well. I have mixed feelings after some time but when I first knew about this, I felt uncomfortable and frustrated.

As you can see it became a huge rabbit hole of just discovering that he was basically still stalking me. I went through LENGTHS to block him on EVERYTHING, including EMAIL LOL. So, I checked my email, my spam and there he was. He was so desperate to get my attention, even the original blogs posted to his Spacehey account were seemingly directed at me with the intention that I would read them. Unfortunately, I did, giving him my attention that he needed. After finding out all of this I talked with a friend and realized I shouldn't be passively enabling this and pretending I don't know what's going on, and that I should directly confront my lover because they were trying to reach out to me by playing all these mind games. I took that advice and decided to text boyfriend. He responded within a minute. I even sent a TEST text to make sure I wasn't blocked, but him immediately responding at 2am told me everything I needed to know.

We had a lengthy conversation where I called out all of his behavior. It was weird of him to respond to my text but even weirder that he knew that I knew he was flirting with randoms online. It only bothered me because he made it seem like I was "the one" for him, and because he had that horrible habit that he never let go of. I think I realized this time that it's not endearing for him to go bopping around to realize that I am the one. I told him he shouldn't be playing around with other people to figure himself out. That hurts everyone involved, including me. Especially because he had promised to visit me, it didn't feel right to have that sort of attachment to me if he supposedly got into a relationship or was getting into situationships 2 weeks after no contact. I don't know, even if I still felt a little possessive, I think objectively it just shows how confused and toxic he is for acting this way. 

No matter how many chances I give him he pushes me away and then regrets it. I feel bad for him because I could see it was a trauma response, and I could see that he doesn't really have himself figured out. And even still I hope he does so we can reconnect. No matter how forgiving I am, even if it's to a stupid degree, I still can't forgive his actions, but I can understand and see why he acts this way. I sometimes wish I wasn't so aware of people's mental illness so I could just write him off as being toxic rather than being fully aware of all perspective. I know why he does this, and it hurts when I think too much, but in order to save myself I had to tell him that he couldn't contact or visit me. I said things that night that I regret. I put my foot down, yes, but I didn't need to hurt his feelings. I hope he understands that I was angry and frustrated at the stalking, but I don't know if he will change. I hope time changes him for the better because its already doing wonders for me.

I still think he is stalking me. I don't really care anymore. The night where I confronted him on everything, I told him I was unblocking him since it clearly didn't work at all. He did not like this and blocked me on everything. Weird coincidence that I get a bunch of bots in my Instagram stories for weeks after this occurred.... It's not concrete proof that its him but I feel like it is. I'm still in contact with my other relationship/exes because we didn't end things badly. (Other than that, one relationship from... middle school but that doesn't count because that was YEARS ago.) I get so irritated when I think about it because if it is him (90% sure it is) then I'm not sure why he is doing all this. I feel watched and it makes me a little annoyed/paranoid but for the most part I don't really care. I've started to romanticize having a stalker boyfriend to make me feel better, but I think the biggest thing I have learned post breakup is the difference between a romanticization and actual love.

I know I said all these appalling things, but I don't feel bad for still loving him. I don't feel bad for still caring about him. I just don't think about it every day, and I've found a healthy way to love him that makes me happy. I guess for now it just needs to be from very far away, and that makes me happier than pursuing a relationship with him or anyone else for a long time. I said I lost romantic feelings for him, and that is true. I've been romanticizing us meeting up someday and what once was, and that's not really romantic love if I'm living in the past or the future. I love him because I can recognize that he needs help, and I still remember a lot of things he said and did for me that were really sweet. So yes, I am grieving. It honestly sucks having perspective, it makes me way too forgiving. I would have to be r*ped or cheated on to finally close my doors. I want to reconnect but everything that happened the night I confronted him really solidifies that we need space, and at most we need space forever.

I feel stupid because I've been wanting to talk to him again, and I've actually been missing him but I know its too soon, and it doesn't feel right either. I don't think things could ever be the same, but I'm definitely fine being friends after some time has passed. I don't feel right putting up a wall between us it just feels wrong. I still want him to visit, and I feel stupid for wanting that. I had to say that I didn't want that because I didn't want him looking forward to that and continuing the harassment. I feel stupid for letting myself love and finding love in all different types of people. I feel naive for having a big heart that's all.

I've been hanging out with my friends and watching anime and dressing cuter and listening to new music and playing different games. I've been discovering a lot of new stuff and experiencing new things. It feels great. I'm starting college soon and I have a job. I've also been doing little gigs for money on apps. (I was going to write more about other summer activities but that will be for another blog...) I needed the breakup, but if I want to reconnect, I have to trust that he changed also. I want him to visit for the original reasons we promised each other. At the same time though, I need time to give me a definte answer because I often debate if its even worth it to reconnect let alone have him visit.