"Changes" & A Knife Through the Heart [STORY]

WARNING, THIS STORY DISCUSSES SUICIDE
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(Based on Real Events from 2019, 2023 - 2024)

Something changed in me somewhere in 2019, All of my life I thought I was destined to be an identity assigned at birth. But deep down I thought this felt wrong, for many years I was called something masculine, I needed to act tough, and needed to suppress my emotions like the usual toxic masculinity cliché’s. But that didn’t sit right with me anymore, I didn’t want to be called so on so. I wanted to be me, Marina.

 

I had told some people about wanting to change myself, my sister, future lover now ex, and a friend I met on the web were the first ones to know that I didn’t want to be someone with a buzzcut and a pencil mustache. Signs were already there I knew I didn’t want to be a man, I was easily emotional, I hated how I looked on the inside with all the facial hair covering my face. So I started shaving, but due to genes it always come back so quickly. I originally grew my hair out to headbang to my favorite metal musicians at the time, I knew I had to tell the rest of my circle eventually, but I was reluctant for many years unsure what they’d say…This would go on and on until I knew I couldn’t keep it in anymore.

 

Its when 2023 comes around, after being so reclusive I finally break my shell…I made it my goal that when I turned 20, I finally tell everyone. And so I did, after coming home from Red Robin I showed everyone a PowerPoint reflecting my life called “20 Years to Who?” and at the end I braced myself for the worst as near the end of the presentation, I came out. Obviously being extremely overwhelmed, breaking down with tears in my eyes afraid I’d be disowned and looked down upon by my family. But the opposite happened, I was welcomed with open arms and acceptance that I wanted to be a trans women and I thought by finally coming out changes would happen! Right…?

 

Months passed, and I thought I was going somewhere with this now that everyone knows. I was expecting a name change, obtaining estrogen, some sort of surgery that’d change me drastically but despite asking people for help…No one came. Even through conversations saying I’m 100% sure I want these changes, nothing. Nothing had come, nothing had been done.

 

I kept pleading with everyone to help me out, help me with getting these blue colored meds that make me look more feminine, help me get top surgery, help me get my name changed…But no matter how many times I kept talking and telling them. No one would budge.

I’ve been going by Marina online for years, and I kept on hoping the day I come out something would happen. But nothing has been done even today. Sure, I had at least some clothes I wanted to wear like a skirt and thigh high socks, I know what name I want and have been expressing for a change, but no matter how much I expressed I wanted change still, it didn’t seem like anyone was interested in helping me.

 

I begin to feel like I’d been lied to. Why is no one helping me? I had already come out, had told them what I want, but why has nothing been done? I’m stuck in that some old body since birth and I’m beginning to lose my patience. I’m progressively becoming angrier as time goes on, I keep asking “When am I getting my name changed?” knowing how much it’ll cost me, and all I get is a “we don’t know yet [deadname]”.

 

Must I also express the deadnaming which is another factor behind my progressive increase in frustration. To get around this I’d be referred to by my middle name since it’s gender neutral, but now and then the “old me” slips out and I’d get upset. Again I keep asking when I get the name change, but as per usual. Nothing. Seeing my birth name even saddens me, I keep asking for a change, but no one is interested.

 

Continuing to rot away, I learn of a horrible reformation plan of America that would not only hurt different people of color and of different regions they’re from, but hurt the LGBTQ+ in which I’m obviously part of. Project 2025 is going to crush my dreams, it’s pretty much going to turn a nation I grew up in into Nazi Germany 2.0. No one is safe if it passes, rights will be revoked, people may flee, stay here to fight or embrace the horrible ideologies, or take the easy way out with what they can end themselves with. All thanks to a millionaire, pedophile fascist who thinks the disabled should die.

 

What does this mean for me? I need to act NOW. But how..? I keep telling the people around me we have till November and that we must hurry. But yet, it’s the same old exact outcome. No one is interested, uncertainty, and like last year. Nothing, has, been, done. And I am getting more, and more angrier as the days progress.

 

I’m beginning to think coming out was for nothing. I have “support” from family, I have support online from people I’ve met for so many years who have my back. But outside of that, I haven’t gotten any help from anybody. I’m beginning to think if I should’ve come out earlier, or if they even give a damn about me wanting to be who I want to be. I had questioned them if they were lying to me about supporting me, to which they say they do support me…then why has NOTHING been done?

 

There are only about three months until November, where my fate will be decided. It may be stupid to kill oneself over a presidential debate, but since no one around me is helping me, no one hearing my pleas or taking me seriously about this, I’m going to potentially die as the gender I hate. Taking a knife to the heart, in the hopes no one will be able to lie to me anymore, my way of refusing to live under a fascist nation, and my way to freedom.

 

However, a friend of mine said to me recently…maybe I can make it? If he’s beginning to hope again maybe I should follow his lead, there should be light at the tunnel I hope…I’m going to keep asking for at least some form of change, and if nothing is done by then, who knows what I’ll do, time may tell, but I’m going to put up a fight. Until I can’t no more.

 

FIN