Almost school season again and anxiety (U20)

Ranting a bit sadder stuff rn

I’ve been in online school for a while now. I had my first full year online last year. I have my second year completely online again this year. I had a lot of bad experiences at my old school as the staff and people were awful, so this week has been kicking me. I keep having dreams about having to go back to that school, and it’s really bothering me. I noticed this happened a lot to me as well when I first left my old public school. My school life was horrible all year, and then the day I had to abruptly leave it was very stressful on me. I had a lot of nightmares about returning to the school, and I had constant anxiety that wouldn’t settle for about 3 days straight or so. Luckily I am doing much better. Online school is a much healthier place for me despite me not finding it ideal. I simply want to keep my peace and get through the last few years I have left for highschool. I’m sad still because my bff who has lived w me this summer has to return to their unsafe home life. They will be 18 next year tho so its almost over :) its just not going to feel right w them not being around me every day. We will make it work tho cus we always do. Despite everything im just so glad a lot is almost over. My birthday is coming here soon. My last bday for my 16th was awful. Everyone cancelled- except my bff- but then i slept in and we didnt meet up. I had even checked w them a month in advance and everyone said it was good. Then last minute issues occured and after that date everyone was busy for months so i never got a celebration from them. I was so upset cus i has always dreamed of my 16th being nice. I dont rly want a bday party this year. I said that i dont want another party very few times to only a few friends. Holy shit my new friend has no idea that my 16th was awful and i most likely wont any more bday parties. There were some upsides to my 16th tho- i got to pick out where to eat- i got some undertale merch i wanted for forever- and I made butterscotch pie for the very first time. Its rly good I think I’ll make it for my bday again as celebration. I dont even know what I want to do for my 17th. It just feels awkward bcus im scared of everyone cancelling if i try throwing a party then. Its just hard cus a lot of my bdays end up being shitty. I dont know what i want to do for this year at all. At least ik a little bit of what i want to do for my 18th.