I love my friends so much :3

they mean so much to me, and they've saved me from succumbing to the worst urges for years now. Yet, I feel like as every day passes, I feel myself becoming more and more distant from them. We can't meet as often due to our exams, but I feel like with me not sharing interests with them, I don't have a lot to talk about. This was what happened with the friend group from my class. They thought I wasn't putting in any effort to contribute to the conversation when I didn't even know what to say or how to insert myself in. I lost them, and now I'm so scared I'll lost them too.

Im afraid Im going to end up alone again like all those years ago. I trhink I'vw become unbearably clignybecause of it. My boyfriend. I still love him lots. I try to tlk to him whenever I can and when its appropriate, but it jsut seems too often. He's not responding back as often as he usedto. I know it's jsut assignments and exams, and it's only for this week but Im so. afraid of losing him too. Everyday I wonder if Im losing what he sawin me that made him love me. That was when I was the most confident, the most happiest, yet the most oblivious to what I was doing to m y friends. That'show I lost them. Is it not possible to be the happiest without hurting those around me that badly? I also love the me when I was the happiest but

I  wantto be happy and content while having other people feel loved around me. Why can I never balance the both? Why can;t I? What's wrong with me? Im so orry people I love have to put up with me like this. I don't know whether itd be better if they let me go for their sake, or for them to not leave for me to survive. I don't know if I have a future beyond this. I don't want to hold  them back, or make them go through the grief of eventually losing me too early. Yet all I want is to be by their side doing things close friends do.

all I want is to hang out with them like before, be happy with them like before. Im so conflicted. I hate this. I hate myself.

why do I have to be so complicated. so annoying, honestly.