rant ew ew ew

TW!! Small mention of suicide 

I needed somewhere to rant so im here, didn't really have anywhere else to do this.

Im so sick of being alone. I think my friends think im annoying and i cant tell them that because i'd feel like im just being even more annoying. I get it, i suck i suck so bad at talking and i just go on and on or don't talk at all. Hung out with friend #1, went to the store, saw cats, got drinks, paid for everything, went to their house and i felt like she just wanted me to leave. Then later she sent me a video that was like "That one friend calling you just to waste your time." Ouch, she literally was the one who made the plans. Friend #2 asks me to go to this play and support her, we haven't talked since beginning of the summer and she seems really excited about it. Not really my thing but yeah i'll drive 40 minutes away from home to see her cuz i haven't in forever and yay supporting. I see her for a bit, watch the 2 hour show, go home, I text her and then dry responses, getting left on seen. Even my boyfriend, i told him how lonely i felt, i told him "I feel like you don't care and that makes me resent you." I can't stand how much of like i don't even know how to explain it. I feel like a dog thats overly excited and up everyone's ass for attention. I hate it. He got upset and said hes trying but if he cares why is he upset because i don't feel loved? "Well why didn't you tell me sooner?" I did. I told him two weeks ago and its just the same thing. Something about the way he talks to me makes me feel like I'm just a friend, not even a friend, like a person who THINKS they're your friend when you can't stand them. I hate work, my boyfriend works with me and its worse there. I feel like people at work don't like me, ive tried talking to coworkers and i just feel so stupid. I can't like, talk right??? I want to block everyone and start over i cant take it but god I don't want to be alone again. A few years ago, I DID have no one. It was awful, I tried to end my own life because I just can't handle being alone. I did so much stuff to try and have friends but ended up just talking to older dudes and doing weird stuff. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle all of this stuff but I'm so tired of it. I don't know what's worse, being physically alone or having people who say they're there for me and not being there. Its not even like I can wait for school to start and get new friends because I'm going to college early and most people there are 31 (That's what the school told me). I just want my friends to be as excited to talk to me as i am to them, genuinely excited to see me. I'm honestly a little embarrassed putting this just out on the internet like this, I don't expect sympathy, I just needed it out. If you read the whole thing, thank you so much, genuinely.