love, love, love

for a planet that has a population of 8 billion people you'd think its pretty easy to find love

I've always believed that there's someone out there willing to know everything about me, and still love me wholeheartedly, its one of the things that keep me going, believing that there's someone out there who thinks im worthy of all of their love and affection.

i understand that love isnt everything, there are other things in life that might be more important than that. love and devotion are two different things.

for me, i dont want love to be simple. yeah, a lot of people would kill for someone to think of them often, for someone to care for them, for someone to support and comfort them, help whenever they could, imagine a future with them. but i dont want it to be as simple as that. its hard to explain but i want someone to feel like im the only person that exists solely for the purpose of being with them. not in the "psychopath" way, call me childish, call me immature, but i want the kind of love in those coming of age films. where you feel like they're the only person who can truly understand you, and if not, atleast they're willing to. its hard to put it in words. i want a love that feels like they're the only person in the world for me, and im the only person in the world for them. i want it to feel like we exist solely for the purpose of being some kind of successful love experiment by the universe, like the universe wanted to know what would happen if they put two people who would do anything for each other, together.

i know love exists because i still see a lot of people looking at their partners with their eyes filled with love and admiration. i still see them putting in the effort as if everyday's their first date. i see them doing things out of instinct because of their partner, just, subconsciously doing things for them, like without realizing it. it just comes across so naturally for other people. they make it look like its so easy to love and be loved. like they don't, have to think about it at all. im envious of the people who actually do feel loved when someone claims they love them. when they dont have to doubt them at all because they both know there's no other people for them.

i know when a person doesn't genuinely love me, there will always be reasons, and that's what makes it so difficult, yet i always accept it. i wish i could just be oblivious, an airhead that doesn't ask for much, less sensitive but not too oblivious to the point where it just seems too easy. i know when love isn't genuine. i know when a certain type of love isn't good enough for me, and im a horrible person for thinking that. its not the "i wont settle for less" kind of horrible, its the always ungrateful kind of horrible. because every type of love i felt that tries to go beyond family and friends, is only for the sake of loving. not because they actually, deeply want their souls to be intertwined with mine, but just for the sake of feeling needed, wanted, or for the sake of making me feel better. and all it does is make it feel even worse, because i know it isnt genuine. its so hard to explain !! but i swear, ive always felt that way and it's horrible. ill always long for the type of love that's too much. ill always be stuck yearning. ill always be daydreaming about what it's like being the center of someone's life and actually wholeheartedly believing that it's possible i can be that special to a person i love.

id want the type of love that makes my heart beat really fast, but i also want the type of love that makes me feel comfortable, safe, and free of all worries. i want to be able to sleep knowing that a person thinks they have everything they could ever want, because im in their life. i dont want my body to feel weird anymore whenever im in physical contact with someone, whether i want to or not. i want to be with someone that doesn't make me feel like im being watched, that im walking on eggshells around them, that they secretly judge my every move and they're always ready to criticize me. i dont want to feel unlovable everytime someone gets upset at me, im so sick of that. its normal for someone to get upset when i do something wrong, and im always ready to apologize and explain myself, but i dont want to feel so, small everytime i do. i want someone to be patient with me. i want someone to be careful with me. i want someone to make me feel like im worth more than my body. god, the amount of times ive went through the guilt of sexualizing myself because it felt right to do so, and it felt fun. but all it did me in the end was feel dirty. the amount of reassurance doesn't make up for it too. its all my fault, i know, for pushing through with it as if i wanted it, which i did, sometimes, because i thought it would be thrilling, arousing, and something normal that others do to connect on a deeper romantic level. i made decisions i was too young for. id want someone to love me to the point where they couldn't feel lust for me. like, yes, i want someone to be attracted to me to the point they want to make love with me. but, at the same time, i want someone to be scared of how I'll feel during it, i want them to scold me gently, tell me that its wrong when i tell them they can have me whenever they wanted. to tell me im more than that. to tell me they would never do that no matter how much i wanted them to because it would feel hot. i wish for someone that stops when i cry. i want them to stop when they see the discomfort behind my whimpering. i want them to overly think about how i feel through it, i want them to care about me still during it, to have me as if i was fragile. 

i want someone to do the most dull and boring things with, and i don't have to feel like they aren't enjoying my company or the activity i want to do with them. i just want them to love spending time with me more than anyone else. i know its selfish, this is the only thing i want to be selfish for. i want them to acknowledge its awkward, and laugh about it, but tell me that it's alright because it's, me they're with. that they don't have to be someone they're not for me, and i wont have to be someone im not for them, and i wont feel so worthless in the end. i want someone to even the littlest things for me, the small actions that show that i never leave their mind. i want someone to understand the reason behind why i hurt myself, and not just how i hurt myself in general. i wish for someone that doesn't make me feel trapped, or that im trapping them, making them have little to no freedom. im asking for too much, because i believe, if they really loved me, it would come as natural for them. but life isn't, magical like that i suppose. people arent mind readers. 

but it doesn't take
 that much effort 

 to understand someone. to want to know more about them. to want to spend every second of your day with them. to think about them. to remember them, at least. i want to feel seen. i want someone that doesn't make me feel like i have to do something drastic to get their attention, sympathy, or affection. i want someone to know that im incredibly sensitive, and to be careful with their words atleast. i want them to worry about loosing me, i want them to fight for me, to make every single action count as if winning me all over again everytime, because thats how much im willing to do for someone.

actions are louder than words.
"i'd do anything for you."
At our age? i doubt so. when guys say this, they're the type of guys who never look at you at school, even when you're in a relationship. guys who make you feel like your absence means nothing to them. no guy has ever meant these words to me before. they've said it to me, but they never really meant it. no, you wouldn't do anything for me, you're straight-up lying to my face! i am not your number one priority, dont promise me that i am. stop reassuring me that i am. if i was, then i would've known. because i know what it's like centering your life around someone. i know what it's like devoting yourself to someone. to give more love than they can receive. and when they dont do the same, you're disappointed. 

i hate when i waste my time on a person who claims to love me, and then make me feel like im the worst thing that has ever happened in their life. if you're not going to stay, stop promising that you will. stop telling me that you'll stay no matter how tiring, confusing, or ridiculous i am. admit you're wrong for once, stop trying to convince yourself that you love someone like myself.

is it so hard to love? people grew up differently, so it affects their perception of love, obviously. maybe, from my all past experiences, it's my fault, because i chose to love people who can't reciprocate the same amount of love back. it may be hard to love, but atleast trying isn't difficult. seriously, would it kill for someone to put some effort in for once? show that you love me, show me that you really care.

i'd die for the love i want, i already did try to kill myself over it, in hopes that the universe will pity me and send me to an alternate universe where im blessed by SJ's love.