i want to be kind

im not nice, atleast, i want to be. ive always wanted to be gentle, nice, kind, and patient with everybody. the world is so unfair and people keep making it so difficult, and i have to fight back, and i dont want to do that. i just want to be kind towards everybody, even if they're mean to me, but i cant seem to do that, i dont know why. if someone could tell me what's truly wrong with me, that would be really helpful

i've always wanted to be genuinely described as kind, caring, and thoughtful. but i dont think i deserve to be called that way. im, judgmental, rude, and mean, and being aware of that doesn't make me a better person. i dont want to blame other people for making me the person i am right now. all i want is to just, fix it. i want to be kind to everybody that hates me or not. i want to be considered good. i want someone to see me and think "there's still some good people left in this world". 

i've mistreated a lot of people in my life to get what i want, and i regret it a lot, but, regretting it doesnt change anything. i cant go back in time to fix it. i've done a lot of bad things to save myself, or to feel the satisfaction of seeing someone who had wrong me get what they deserve. "nobody's perfect", but i sure still classify as a terrible person.

every new person i meet in my life, i feel like im lying to them. once they get to know me, they'll see how much of a fraud i truly am. that im a horrible person deep inside, and i only have myself to blame for it. if i really am a nice person, i wouldn't have to work so hard trying to be one. being nice is easy: dont say anything that might offend anyone, be apologetic, be caring, be thoughtful, be genuine, be honest, and be helpful. why do i have such a hard time trying to care for everyone?

genuinely, i want to see everyone in my life happy because of what i do/give to them. i want to see the thankful smiles on their faces when i do something for them. i want them to feel, thankful that im around. thankful that im their friend. i want people to feel glad that im around.

i know that i cant please everyone, i cant make everyone love me. i just want to help everyone. even the ones i hate. i want to show them that im still willing to help them even if it benefits only them and not me, even if they despise me. i dont help people to make myself feel less excluded, i dont help people to make me FEEL like a good person, because i believe i'll never truly be one. if i cant be a good person, i wish to help other people become good people. i want to help people. i want to become the person i need towards other people.

i find myself to be too overwhelming, and it comes across as uncomfortable, and weird. i just want to, support the people i love. i want to be able to show how much i appreciate them. i want them to feel comfortable with me, to be safe, but i just come across as nosy and, someone who cant get the hint. this odd world has made people become more desensitized to being mean, to act tough in order to survive and defend themselves, or purely for sick pleasure and entertainment. 

i cant truly and deeply hate someone to the core of my soul. ive wished a lot of people i know to die, but i never really meant it. people are just, really mean. especially in today's times. i dont want to adapt anymore, i dont want to catch up by being mean as well. im sick of being horrible and rude. 

i dont want to leave someone on delivered for a longer time than they did to me, i dont want to wait and ignore someone's messages to make it seem like they're insignificant. i dont want to give someone an attempted "harsher" insult to someone even after insulting me. i dont want to punish someone for wronging me, i dont want any enemies. i dont want to refuse to help someone just because they didn't help me. i dont want people to be excluded. i dont want to hate people. i dont want to have the impression of being mean anymore, because thats what i hate about myself the most. 

i dont want this to sound like, "boohoo im such a horrible person, im shit and ill always be shit!!!!", i genuinely hate myself because of this. i want to change. i want to be hope for someone, the kind of hope that makes you believe that genuine kindness still exist. i want to change, i dont want to be mean forever. i dont want to be the kind of sensitive in which its hypocritical, like, ill say something mean but if someone does the same to me ill bitch and whine about it. i want to be sensitive, in which im careful with my words, my actions, and my attitude towards others.

so, i deserve all of whatever's going on with me right now, i deserve to feel this way until i get better, which, i will, hopefully, i dont want to be mean forever. i dont want to be a horrible menace to society forever. i want to change, i want to be nicer, i want to lift people's spirits. but for now, i have to go through whatever the universe wants me to go through, as punishment for being such a vile, disgusting person. and thats completely alright with me, so i can learn, so ill never be mean again, so ill never have to reach the end of my life forever thinking i was just another bad person for good people to exist.