"Mooring" vs "Treatment"

there have been multiple important stories (as in, overarching patterns), people, events, in my life that have led up to my writing this.

one is that i have been a fool - a harmful fool - many, many times. please trust that i have experience with multiple angles of this, including the uncomfortably guilty ones.

recently, in particular, i have been, within a week, someone who not wrongfully was overwhelmed by emotion, someone who made it into a wrong by prioritizing my emotions over the material reality they stemmed from, and someone who saw as others upon others upon others did the same thing.

another is that i have been struggling with "mental illness" for a long, long time. (please read How To Go Mad without Losing Your Mind for why i put mental illness in quotes. it is real, no denial of that, but the reality a lot of people work in has a white filter.)

yet another is that so have many, many other people for an even longer time. 

i have struggled with personhood, dehumanization, dissociation, unreality. i’ve struggled with these things for years, decades - it’s not something i chose, it’s legitimate, it’s (medicalized as) a type of psychosis - and i know that i have the responsibility to manage that in a way that means i can still be there for my community. no, it’s not because i owe anyone anything (at least, i don’t frame it as that). it’s because i have a lot of love for the people that have shown me care, and honestly, a lot of my mental illness symptoms have stemmed from isolation; isolationist thinking. i don’t want to think or operate as though i’m alone. for me, it’s terrifying. for others around me, i become a shell of myself unable to practice care myself. it doesn’t help anyone, and individualizing a struggle like that will only cause more harm. there’s nothing that helps me more than confirming that other people are real & caring for them. sitting in my room, by myself, forcing myself to become emotionally comfortable with our reality doesn’t work! because we live in a world where genocidal acts occur daily. i might be 'crazy,' but i’m not wrong, not wrong for that! and it can be a lot. it can. i do not deny that. it's so much! almost too much.

what is this word i use, Mooring?

well, i'll simply put it this way. every year, around my birthday and around winter, i struggle deeply with unreality, conceptions of time, existential dread, death. i struggle deeply with everything, really, becoming a shell is quite the apt metaphor for what i go through; there is nothing 'behind the curtain,' but there's nothing 'in front of it,' either. it's so empty. cold. i feel so disconnected from others, from myself. and d'you know what really, really doesn't help? when people tell me to focus on myself (and nobody else, is the implication under an individualist society). i do not want to focus on myself. i do that too much. i actually have a predisposition, apparently, towards individualism, according to my fears that i'm alone, that i'm the only real thing, that i'm the only one that matters, that i'm God, that i dreamt all this up around me. i really, ironically, feel the most uncomfortable when people act as though they're confirming this is all true. this is perhaps why i'm so willing to be not only held accountable for mistreatment but mistreated myself, because it shows me that i'm not so solely important that everyone cares for me or my comfort. this can be a good thing when my will to be not-the-center is beneficial to the community, but in the past, i've been so resistant to working on myself (because i was taught it was selfish, because i felt alone doing largely internal work) that i ended up harming the community (which includes me. community is not a buzzword, for me, it's not nebulous, it is the ecosystems i am within). and sometimes, i accidentally, even more ironically, center/ed my will to be not-the-center over my actual impact on the others. (don't ask, i don't quite get it either, i'm still learning, unpacking.) i've also struggled with trust, and honesty, as concepts & in practice, as extensions of care, in part because i am an autistic person. (i am inclined to be rebellious and to challenge dominance, so, kyriarchy, and unambigous dishonesty, but i am also always hoping that other people around me will not only say what they mean, but act accordingly to what they say they believe. please be aware of that and make your own informed decisions about what that means for how we might work together, but also know i'm working on developing better resistance to propaganda!) when i lose trust in others around me, my community, and in my self-guidance/autonomy, it is one of the worst things for my ability to be present. all this, these feelings i describe, are the feelings of being Unmoored. being Unmoored is dangerous for me, it makes me twice as suicidal as is normal for me, and i joke about killing myself all the time. being Moored is being present, grounded, autonomous, and not requiring yourself to be comfortable, but not requiring yourself to be miserable. needing to be Moored is different from seeking comfort. in metaphor, seeking or protecting your comfort is like chaining yourself to your bed while a friend sleeps on the floor. needing to be Moored is like asking your friend on the floor if they would like to use the bed for the night instead, and reminding yourself that because your friend is here, you are not alone.

Treatment, in almost complete, practical opposition to Mooring, is when people would rather fix your symptoms than care about who you are as a person, who we are as people.

Treatment is telling people to go focus on their mental health, or to go love themselves, when what they need - we need - i needed - is to go make food for their neighbors. or to go make baby blankets for kids on the rez. other people exist, other people exist, other people exist, and so i will not walk away, that's not even what i wanted, what i asked for....Treatment is telling people they can't be loved if they don't love themselves. Treatment is telling people they should be happy on the job, off the job, for other people (as opposed to with other people), Treatment is telling people happiness is a job, Treatment is telling people they are burdening you with their other emotion....to tell you all the truth, i don't see emotional needs as being distinct from physical needs. that's binary thinking. emotional needs become physical (trauma, chronic stress) and vice versa. having emotional needs doesn't make you evil or harmful, not inherently. and being overwhelmed by emotion is not a sign of privilege! the harm comes in when you feel or fulfill your emotions - and let yourself move on from them - without taking action. if your friend is starving, and you feel sad, that's okay. your sensitivity is admirable, as long as you hone it, as long as you use it. your privilege is that you are not the one starving, but even that is not something that is harm, not by itself. if your friend is starving and you feel sad and you watch a cute cat video instead of asking your friend if they would like to eat & if so what kind of food, because you have the privilege of that choice, because it is not your life at stake, that is the harm, because you've separated yourself from your friend. you might feel better after watching that cat video. your friend won't feel better after you watch that cat video. if you are starving, and someone asked you how you felt about that, and apologized to you, and did nothing else, with food visible in their hands, you should not feel ashamed for wanting to reject their performed sympathy and take their resources, instead. they have separated themself from you. they have disconnected from you.

Mooring is connection. being Moored is being connected.

one of my friends (i think of them as a friend, although they don't have to think of me that way), Esmeralda, posted something recently: White people protecting their mental health is literally just protecting white supremacy. that was controversial. the comments section is full of people who are misunderstanding the point of that post. a specific but unnamed someone commented saying Esmeralda was 'heavily misguided,' and then later said they didn't just go for E's fucking jugular about it, as if calling someone who tries their best to be conscious of - and active around - harm done misguided in a sickly sweet tone is harmless. yes, Emseralda is Black. no, that other person isn't. oh, anyway, they also said 'mental health' (again, not really distinguishable or divisible from 'health,' in my eyes) is extremely important. yes, you can laugh. No Name, another, newer friend (again, no projection here, i just feel positively/friend-ly about them), replied with this: "mental health is largely connected to systemic problems. systemic problems disproportionately impact minority groups. The post is not stating white people should anguish in their mental health struggles, but rather pointing out that many white people, historically through today, tend to look away from systemic problems because of the privileged they have for it to not impact them. let's use Gaza as an example, many white people won't follow, interact, and engage in the content because seeing children ripped apart damages ones mental well being. But when people look away it is because they have the privilege to. The mothers, fathers, and siblings watching their family torn to pieces don't get to look away." i followed up with this: "you’re right [only] about mental & emotional health being extremely important. you’re right that nobody deserves to live traumatized or feeling like they’re always ashamed or broken or evil. that’s…the point, i believe." this is the point: that your 'mental health,' that you, are a part of a community, whether you believe it, whether you willfully act on it, or not. if someone was screaming in pain right in front of you and you sighed and put your headphones on, that is you letting them suffer for your comfort and you're also dehumanizing your own self. do you understand that? i'm asking, do you understand that? i'm not alone, i'm not alone, i'm not alone, there's someone right there, i want to reach out to them, to touch them, if they'll let me....

there's this utter fucking asshole i know.

who's doing some very, very important work.

they don't love me. i'm not even sure they like me, or understand me. the most recent time i was Unmoored, they didn't respond with any kind of consideration for what i was going through; i wasn't asking to be comforted, as in coddled, i was asking to be Moored. i was very, very self-destructive, very lost, very Unmoored. and as i've said, being Unmoored, it's not just a discomfort, it's a threat on my life. they responded coldly, not because they didn't care, but perhaps because they didn't understand, and mostly because they weren't at capacity to respond with what i needed. okay, and now here's the thing, i walked away. for a week. to regather myself, to ask people who were actually willing & able to Moor me, to rest. literally, rest. my body was shaking, sick. i wanted to do good work, i couldn't do it like that. and nobody was rushing me so much i couldn't rest. so i walked away. when i asked to be Moored, a lot of what i received was Treatment: 'you should focus on yourself.' 'you should center yourself.' 'you should protect your mental health.' 

um, no. no. that's not what i was asking. i was asking for connection and you told me to disconnect. no. it wasn't until i found Esmeralda (re-found them), actually, that i found someone who knew what i was going through. not exactly, no. Esmeralda and i are different, our lives are different, and i'm not the type to smooth over differences in favor of some kind of flat, bland unity. you all should follow and support Esmeralda, and everyone they follow and support. i found someone who felt the ways i did about certain things, who didn't want to disconnect even through the pain.

and as i began to check out their work and the work of those in their communities, i regained the courage to walk back to the very, very important asshole. people say community doesn't have to love you, doesn't have to like you, and i know this to be true. even though this person i'm thinking of is an asshole, sometimes, and i disagree with them, often, even the unchanged values i have right now lead me to believe i should neither let or make anyone suffer for that, including them. my fellow white people, we love to walk away when something doesn't go our way in the name of "protecting our 'mental health.'" and it took me a week of sitting back, resting, acknowledging the privilege that lets me rest, and watching more and more fools fall all over themselves doing the same thing to realize that my stated values and my actions were completely out of alignment. that's the thing i find confounding and am vaguely allergic to in other people! which honestly just made me feel silly! and small. i am so small compared to the brilliant children of Palestine. you know? not much else matters until they are all safe. not much else matters until global indigenous autonomy, and liberation, are achieved. these children are so real....

...i’m an asshole, too. oh god, believe me. yes, i'm an asshole, and i'll prove it; when i went back to the asshole i know and honestly care for quite a lot, and asked how i could contribute to a thing they needed help with, i didn't bother them with any of my emotions, and it wasn't because i didn't want to burden them, it was because they didn't have the capacity to respond with what i needed the first time and i'm petty. more than petty. if i come to you from the most vulnerable place i can muster, and you don't have the capacity to help me, that doesn't make you evil, and i'm not going to stop working with you, but i will remember that once you say you do have capacity and i won't let you approach me. i might change my mind about that later in life, but it's a defense & boundary i have against being drained by who use the ideal of collective responsibility to avoid confronting their own. if someone needs help, it should be on terms that meet their needs. which applies to the other asshole, too. and as i was thinking about myself and the harm i’d done, i realized i forgive myself because it’s hard to decenter yourself/your emotions/sensations when you’re in pain. and i forgave the asshole i know for the same reason, especially as i remembered the remark they made about how so many people expect them to be perfect & eloquent through their pain. i didn't want them to be perfect for me, but if i whine about the relationship i have to my mother that's lead me to conflate love with enmeshment, the only good that'll come from that is if i tell you that's why i frame this person as an asshole; it's because i have to. to not become Unmoored, to not desperately work for someone's approval and instead with & for them, with & for everyone, to not individualize someone and become obsessed, to maintain self-guidance, i have to differentiate by reminding myself that they're a person and people are assholes. yes, we're friends. they rule. it's not an excuse, though, for being an asshole myself. i'm not my mother's dog anymore. i am trying to not bite, and impact matters more far more people than one person's intention. my family history, my history, my pain, is not an excuse for whatever harm i've done, neither Unmoored or in my attempts to re-Moor.

pain. pain is a funny thing, you know? there are too many of us that get to press a button to turn it off. too many of us that are forced to take a pill to turn it off.

do you seek Treatment? or do you need to be Moored?

THEN GET YOURSELF MOORED, DUDE.

maybe the asshole i love will be less of an asshole once their community's children, culture, and lands are returned to them. when i took some days off to rest & work through some things (because i did need that, even the asshole said so), a very caring, wise (imho) person told me, “it’s human to take turns burdening and unburdening each other.” (i’m spotting the “defaults”-based thinking of “what is human” in that right now, but it resonates with how i want to operate, and) i don’t know if i’ve ever unburdened them.

don't go for my fucking jugular about having been overwhelmed by something i am not practiced at, don't go for theirs about prioritizing their community needs over my individual needs. i found people to meet them anyway. just sit with the fact that people are assholes! and we have been, could be, are, all so much more.