cowboys and trying not to cry

forgot this website existed but i did something kinda dumb so now i wanna talk about something else.

i've been really into the idea of being a cowboy. which is insane because im a city-slicker at heart and probably couldn't stomach doing half the things an actual cowboy does, but i have these scenes in my head of the life i would live. i think i just love nature, not being tethered to anything really, living in solitude. 

i came home the other day really upset. i always get really upset when i think about my parents. anyways, i came home, and i felt like i was gonna cry. like hard. i was rubbing my hands over my thighs and rocking back and forth. i felt so pitiful. but its like something came over me and i told myself to stop, just stop crying and stop feeling sorry for myself. like i had to be reminded of the fact that i was so close. i just had to wait a little while longer. and then i could be the person i really wanted to be. 

i started a voice recording then, and i talked about my two futures. the future i could logistically see for myself and the future i was sure would never happen. like, i can see myself living in new york and pursuing a degree in culinary arts and being a plant mama and owning a pair of birkenstocks. that's not unreasonable. but my other future? im living on a farm. my wife and i, we're both cowgirls, maybe she moreso than i. i stay home somedays while she goes out to work in the fields, tend to the animals, and i make her dinner, something real warm and filling but not too filling so she'll have room for the tart i made for dessert. and sometimes we'll have the ranchhands over aswell. and they'll all sigh when they finish, and my wife will look at me with such adoration and she'll go, "that was delicious, honey", and i will feel useful and loved. 

and when we go to bed, she'll oil my scalp because im terrible when it comes to that, and i will give her a back massage after the day she's had. and before we go to bed, right when i'm about to drift off, she'll tell me she loves me. and that'll be the last thing i remember before i lose consciousness. 

and after all that, my voice broke. and i just felt like crying even more. 

how terrible is it to be aware of your own pitfalls? your own confines?

life has been happening very slowly for me lately. that's all.