TW/// BODY DISMORPHIA

I went to my friends house 4 a pool party on monday and god i have nvr felt so ashamed in my life. For background I am a binge eater and even tho my behaviors had gotten better in highschool, its gotten worse these past few months (since may aka closer to the end of my sophomore year). Alot of my friends are really skinny and i get a few of them also have body image problems (especially my cis male friends) but god I h8 being a fat trans man. My saggy bewbs and large stomach in an awkward bathing suit in front of all my shredded friends, and barbie doll shaped lady friends. It hurts. I wanna lose weight but the last time i did it  was unhealthy and I gained it all back by just eating sm.