I suck at everything

Yet again another mindless rant on here that maybe 3 people will see, well get your popcorn ready because this is going to be a bit of a long one so bare with me here.

Quite a while back during a school assembly, a teacher informed us that my school will be opening up applications for an online debate competition organised by some private university and just like that off I went to register my name with the knowledge that I have absolutely no clue on how a debate works, let alone an online one. Fast forward to several weeks later and teachers are finally taking action to train us with the fact that the competition takes place on Friday of next week. Due to this time has become tight and my teacher has taken the initiative to organise practice sessions online every night for the next few days up until the real deal. My teacher has given us all sorts of materials and videos to study how the whole thing works and here I am trying my best to observe everything as best as I can even though a part of me has absolutely no clue how I could commit to all of this in such a short amount of time.

Yesterday night we had our first meeting online and I could feel my heart pounding, trying to break free from my chest, just from waiting to be accepted into the meet. This got worse as the teacher chose me to speak up first which I believed went rather terribly compared to everyone else. I tried my best to prepare notes but I just couldn’t find the time to articulate my thoughts properly, heck my writings on here are just jumbled blocks of texts formed in my head. This whole thing however went down into flames even more today during our second meeting. I had the points in my hand on pieces of paper but when I spoke I had nothing. I barely had any confidence to begin with in the first place so imagine how awful it was for me to let down the rest of my team like that as my teacher gave off her criticism towards me. 

And now here I am in my room thinking about whether or not it’s too late for me to just back out of this whole thing since it’s such a burden to me, no, I’m the burden and not just to others but myself as well. I can’t talk, I’m not a speaker, I’m a writer. Not a very good one I’ll tell ya that but I’m far better at it than speaking out my thoughts because that’s just not my thing. By going further in this I just feel like I’m prone to making a fool out of myself each time. Yes, to succeed is to put yourself in uncomfortable positions but is this all really worth it for me? On one hand if I quit I’m able to go back to my normal routines as usual but I’ll have to suffer through the regret of not trying harder and seeing others succeed among me but on the other hand I’ll most likely lose and make any associated with me hate me and never interact with me again, not like they ever have in the first place anyway….

I feel so hopeless and talentless and useless and awful. I wish I was good at something, anything, but it seems that the only thing I’m good at is being bad at everything. Sometimes I wish there was a way to never show my face to these people again so they’d all go about their day without acknowledging my existence or perceiving me in any way because as terrible as it sounds, I enjoy my peace from time to time but it still never hurts to be appreciated somehow.  

Screw it, what am I even saying anymore.