How to keep people at an arm’s length but also keep and maintain your friendships no glue no borax

I wish to remain a mystery; however, I can sometimes be a chronic oversharer. I never want to completely conceal myself from those close to me, but I never know who I’m close to. I have a small number of people I like and can engage in conversations with on my most used account, but I also have the me I present to the world on my main. I want to say one of them is the real me, but I think they must exist in conjunction to even exist at all; I cannot be wholly sick.of.u or .70princess. I feel like I can be more myself without fear of judgment on the latter; however, that is just the overly fanatic and emotionally driven side of myself that I choose to share selectively.

I’ve always have had to compartmentalize. I have been open before about how my mom doesn’t support my bisexuality, any form of me being online, or even just seeing my friends. I am secretive yet still a ticking time bomb, just waiting to be seen by someone who could wholly accept me. Whenever I share too much about myself with one person in particular, I fear that it is nearing the end of the friendship, and I need to leave them alone until they choose to talk to me again. The last thing I want to do is annoy someone. I don’t want to come off as needy or clingy, so I will instead label myself henceforth as yearning.  There’s something inherently romantic about the idea of yearning for connection while maintaining a sense of mystery and independence to avoid getting hurt. I am nothing if not a romantic, unfortunately; a lovergirl until I die or worse, resign myself to another one-sided situationship that slowly destroys me until I lose all feeling and go numb. This could’ve been a potential catalyst for my dabbling in polyamory. I can spread love equally to a number of partners instead of forcing it onto only one. This is not to say I’m incapable of monogamy; on the contrary, I immensely enjoy it. I am known for loving too hard and unequivocally; therefore, I believe the solution could be a widespread blanket rather than a concentrated towelette. So, uh, if you’re interested in either of those, let me know.

​I have few friendships right now that fit me. With Gaby and Cris, we were inseparable when in close quarters. When our lives diverged, we didn’t speak as often but we still know the other are only a text away. We send reels and posts frequently, update each other on our lives, and occasionally do our mandated pilgrimage to Texas Roadhouse. We love each other deeply and are connected but maintain that semblance of personal space. I never feel I am overwhelming them with anything, and I know that they could never overwhelm me in return. Yay for sisterhood! Alternatively, I have friendships with Ximena and Malik.

The readdition of Malik to our mix has been very welcome, and I missed him very much. I did my usual thing of getting worked up and ignoring everyone who didn’t reach out first, and our friendship suffered. I am slowly getting to know him again. I could never get rid of Ximena even if I wanted to. They have seen almost every ugly aspect of me and still wish to be my friend. She has seen me go through insanity, lust, heartbreak, death, and unspeakable anger. They know me as well as I know myself and yet still chooses to love me, a decision I can’t quite possibly see why she would make. I appreciate them nonetheless. I mean this most kindly: get friends who will annoy the shit out of you. Friends who constantly text you even when you’re busy. Friends who will show up at your door if you don’t respond. I can try to shut myself out, but the constant trait in my current groups of close friends is that it would never stop them from bothering me. And I love them immensely for that.