i don't want to be a good person

i'd rather be a bad person who loves a lot of people

i never ever want to think i should be a good person because that will make me think i have to be, which, in the desperation & pain of feeling like i can't be, will turn to a delusion that i will be, that nobody else is, that i have to preach to people, to fix other people's lives or save their worlds. it's the inverse of humility, really. i don't want to have to be a good person. i just want to do what it takes to survive & help those i love survive

i don't want to ever think i'm innocent of harm, nor do i ever want to worry so much about the things i've done that i stop being able to do anything at all, nor do i want to never reflect on my actions

i want my reflections to be minimal but effective, and i want to spend my life so authentically that i am never watching it like a movie and picking apart my actions or behaviors instead of simply acting and behaving