A Gift (poem)

This poem is about how I feel when I'm splitting as somebody with Borderline Personality Disorder. Splits are very violent sometimes, especially for me. I have very violent mood swings and I tend to lash out. This poem is dedicated to Ares, the god of war, because that's what it feels like when I split. Splitting is an all out war for me, it's chaos. I hate it. But if it means that other people won't struggle alone, I'll share what it feels like to me.

Anger.
Most feel it in the stomach,
I feel it in the throat.
I feel it burn,
And seep into my veins
My blood turns to lava,
So hot it's cold.
My heart stops
And turns to stone.
It's like a roar,
A battle cry.
The way my teeth grit,
The screams coming from my mouth,
I don't even know it's happening.
The world is painted in red,
The only thing I see is an enemy.

Anger.
I feel it in my face. 
The tears in my eyes.
They keep falling,
They make me furious,
I feel weak.
The snarl on my face.
I use it to hide,
I hide that I'm terrified,
Of myself,
Of disapproval,
Of rejection,
Of existence,
Of what I could do,
I'm terrified.

Anger.
I feel it in my fists.
I feel it in my arms.
The way I need to hit,
The way I need to claw,
The way I must release the pain.
The way my body flails,
I don't know what I'm doing,
I just hope it's right.
I hope they forgive me,
At the absolute least,
Leave me alone.

Anger.
A battle cry.
A gift from a god,
Fight or flight?
Fight or die.
The way my eyes burn,
The way I shake.

A gift from Ares,
That is my anger.
The god of war.
Unbridled rage is what he sent me.
A gift wrapped in torn, bloodied cloth.
And tied in a bow of war,
And carnage.
Enough anger and violence,
 to put the fear of god in a man.
I take pride in myself,
I take pride in my anger.

Ares,
God of war:
Father of the kids who never expressed their emotions,
But are now letting it free.
Never take it out on yourself,
Take it out on those who hurt you.

Never let somebody hurt you,
Never let them get away with it.
Take pride in who you are,
He will cheer from the sidelines.

For I am a child of Ares,
Fire in my veins.
Carnage in my soul,
and Violence in my eyes.

-END-