my feels on drake (and kendrick lamar, and j.cole, and and and--)

preface: this isnt some insightful, deep, prophetic long form writing bit. im just giving you some raine!lore,  describing how i became a drake (and co.) fan, why i stopped, and then leads into "you should watch fd signifier's video". dassit lol.

okay, so what a lot of people don't know about me is that i was kind of a "hip hop purist" growing up and well into my mid/late teens (up until around the time kanye west droped "graduation"). was on the forums with my friend jason, looking up lupe fiasco lyrics and kanye west lyrics to dissect and chat shit over MSN for hours on the family computer. very much thought that there was space for rappers to speak about their feelings, etc, but that you should speak about "real" issues--whether that's about your experiences growing up during hard times (classism) and the violence you/your family/friend faced, mental health issues, or whathaveyou. as long as you were being you and you weren't pretending to be someone else, i was here for it (little did i know, a lot of these rappers are fake! and were telling other people's stories or were outright lying about their shit! but we move! lol). but it still had to be about Real Things. my thought was that, "there's a certain way to be a rapper, and not being like this isn't bad because we need a variety in terms of rap content, but don't lie about shit if you never really did it or experienced it"

then i hit my mid teens, and i also realized that people are multifacited and not everyone has those experiences of poverty and violence like i was used to hearing and seeing on tv (hell, eye didn't have that experience myself!). at this time i also...not to say that i "identified" as cishet, bc i never thought about my gender or sexuality in depth, but i wasn't really questioning it? if you asked me, "are you a girl?" i'd answer, "sure, but i'm a different kind of ~girl~" [i knoooow djfajdf but it was definitely the beginnings of my egg being cracked lol] or if you said, "hey, would you kiss or date a girl?" my (very inwardly nervous but outwardly stoic) answer would be always be along the lines of, "i mean, it's/anything is possible". (i also clearly remember being dared to kiss another girl in gr11 for $20 and being SO here for it while nervous and excited as hell and the other girl being like, "uhhh, sure" but never doing it and being scared. definitely felt some disappointment...little did i know...lol) and so i'm sure that also played a part in my thinking that, "rap and rappers look like this, talk like this, act like this" (along with internalized misogyny, cisheteropatriarchial thinking, and a plethora of other things i was beginning to understand and try my best to work out as best as i could in my teenaged brain).

so then comes kanye west, kid cudi, and eventually drake...

i was a huge drake fan when he dropped "so far gone". i can't lie. the music was musicing lol.

being from toronto, having a toronto rapper like him make a huge splash outside of our city was monumental. damn near inspiring. kardinall offishall, saukrates, choclair, jully black (r&b singer), allistair, IRS, wio-k (why-awk), k-os, ro dolla, rochester aka. juice, king reign (r.i.p.), etc. like, we had our niggas. we had them. but they never made it as big as drake had (maybe saukrates because he had a song with method man and redman. and obviously kardinall offishall). i clearly remember the rumour that he was gonna get signed for $1 million or w/e by some big label (interscope? i don't fully remember), which was a huge number at the time. so, i was proud. and excited. and a huge fan.

like...a huge fan.

i was a member of the All Things Fresh fansite (he had this crew of the same name in toronto at the time. i think that's what OVO was originally before the name change. don't quote me on that, tho.) one of his fans and friends at the time (Karla) made the site and it kept you up to date to everything drake and his crew were doing. all the old music and new ones; the music videos, everything. a small group of us became friends (the Drizzy Drake crew or sumn like that...ugh lol). would video chat with each other weekly. had shirts made (i still have mine, tho it don't fit no more lol). we went to OVO Fest together. went to Karla's 20th [21st?] bday party together (i still have the lil flip book of it lol). we were bredrins. but also, well...internally, it was as messy as you imagined and got even worse when me and a few others would show dislike of songs, music videos, lyrics. fans are the same no matter where you go, i tell you...

and when im a fan of someone, im pretty dedicated music-wise. i will listen to their entire musical catalogue from beginning to end (in 2015, after i heard/saw miyavi's mv for "secret", i made it a mission to find everything he ever did from 2002 to present. them russian sites was Seeing. Me. so i could find Galyuu and Gagaku because it was nowhere to be seen on my usual sites) just so i could experience their progression from beginning to present. and i did that with drake as well: Room for Improvement, Comeback Season (his best mixtape in terms of just straight raps imo. RFI is a close second [nickelus f WASHED btw]. and that's not to say SFG doesn't have good raps [Unstoppable is SAUR. GOOD.] but these two mixtapes were more aligned with the rappity-raps that i grew up on. im biased, yes, lol), then so far gone. 

and i noticed a pattern of him being...a rapper who rapped about his feelings in a way that wasn't (on the surface) misogynistic, violent, was vulnerable and honest in a way that i hadn't heard from (male) rappers before. he was braggadocious (bc how can you not be as a rapper???) but it never felt as aggressive as other male rappers? so that was new for me, especially growing up in a house with a dad who kept everything to himself; with a mother that never really explained things; and having mostly guy friends who also listened to his (and lupe and j.cole, and and and--) music who saw me as One of The Guys But Not Really (i was also dealing with some super awful mental health stuff: even more depression than usual, some suicide ideation, actaully came close to attempting at one point at 17) so i was always felt like i was in a liminal space of sorts...and Drake's music showed me another side of Man(TM) that i hadn't seen or heard before. made a lot of feelings really solid. really put words to struggles that i was going through or could just understand. SFG also introduced me to artists like Santigold, Jai Paul, Peter Bjorn & John, Lykke Li, Little Dragon and SBTRKT (on the Wildfire remix that came out in 2011), and Tears for Fears, all of whom i'm huge fans of now. SFG showed me rap that was so, to me, experimental and different like kanye's album, 808s & heartbreaks was, too, (shout out to kid cudi *cough*) but in a less raw way? where 808s was kanye at a time in his life where breakups and all this other shit was going on, drake's was being a "kid" (young adult) that...was just tryna be understood and successful (corny, i know, sorry, i had to lol). 

so unfortunately, i owe a lot to The Human Thumb but it's still fuck that nigga.

then Kendrick Lamar...reminds me of my childhood? i'm of west indian background (big ups grenada 🇬🇩) and his rapping and use of tonal changes always spoke to me because that's what i grew up around: soca, dancehall, reggae, and other Black rappers like nicki minaj, biggie, and busta rhymes did the same (biggie is more about his flow than changing his tone and using his voice as an instrument), and i always attributed that to their own trini and jamaican heritages as well. but i also realize that's something very prevalent in black churches in america, and as someone who's not christian but grew up in a semi-christian household, i recognized and felt that as well as the connection to it sounding like how my people sing and DJ, etc (basically, niggas got a lot of similarities no matter where you come from). kendrick felt like (internally) home: with him, i dissected lyrics and looked for deeper meanings and connections like i did with soca and dancehall, trying to get used to different caribbean accents; it was Lamarian Poetry that i could pick apart and analyze and "Deep It" and come back to so i could appreciate it again and again. and it was FUN! i had a fucking ball doing this in the same way i got excited reading shakespeare in english class. it was a pleasure to do this then bring it back to my fellow rap fans at school and discuss it right after the latest bleach episode and naruto shippuden chapter. it brought out the English Lover in me and listening to Section. 80 and Good Kid M.A.A.D. City was like hearing a movie that i could relisten to over and over and over again. i was in my element (corny, yes, i know, i'm a corny nigga, stop lol).

and then...life got hard. graduated hs and my mental health got worse. and i stopped listening to the music that would exercise my brain and went for...whatever it was drake and his ilk was releasing (and also kendrick kept going on breaks for years on end and drake was literally all that was left lol. j.cole was there, too, but i didn't enjoy his first album. in fact, i liked his throwaways and mixtapes way better). i stopped with the lupe, mf doom, j.cole (misogyny and lesbo/homophobia was the cause with him in particular), everything...drake (and nicki minaj and lil wanyne) was everywhere and it's almost like i had no choice? because i was in such a bad place mentally, i knew i could always return or rely on him having something new out to experience--a new feature; a new writing exploit; him hosting SNL. when your brain feels like mush and you're tryna survive, you kinda just go to what you're familiar with and doesn't take too much thought. and so i did that.

and then would sometimes relisten to Section.80 and GKMC? i wouldn't deep the lyrics like before, but it was like muscle memory because i'd still remember what lines were coming and could repeat it on command lol. the brain is a weird thing. 

anyways.

fastforward to whenever "Hotline Bling" dropped and i saw someone on tumblr write this blurbs about how drake's a misogynist and this song (and "Marvin's Room") even shows how controlling he is.

right before this, he dropped, If You're Reading This It's Too Late (ngl...this was fav drake work. i knooooow i know, but it's also the most Toronto album he's released, even more than the album that actually has the CN Tower on it LOL) and before that it was Nothing Was the Same (another album that was my fav at the time) and...im sure it was a mixture of maturing and realizing that j.cole isn't shit (lmao) that i began reaaallly paying attention to his lyrics (and kendricks...and kanye's...and and and--) and had thoughts like, "since...when did drake rap about 'hood' shit? he not a hood man, so what is this?" and, "wow, this is kinda mean to say about a woman? what the hell?" which then turned to, "o...wait...this ain't it. this makes me uncomfortable. since when did he speak this way?". slowly, but surely, i began to listen to him less and less. and didn't feel like i could voice it because...he was drake. the star of toronto. the beacon of light that would let the world know We Had Some Good Shit Here in Canada (like the weeknd, who is also a whole bag of weirdo, obsessively white woman lover worms, and majid jordan, and chromeo, and and and--). and the few times i did say something (on the All Things Fresh site, in the video chats, in person with others), there was damn near violent pushback, "you're just jealous", "he won't fuck you", "drake is incredible, you're not a real fan for not liking his music!" (when people say fandom can't ruin an artist for you, tell them they're a fucking lie).

and then i saw that tumblr post...and it's like the liminal space i was caught in once again became solid...and i realized all these male rappers that i listened to, but especially drake...were controlling, disgusting, lesbo/homophobic, misogynistic assholes! 

and Views was the last time i was a drake fan. i would give some stuff a chance listen to here and there ("Views" was okay but when i tell you i dew not remember a fawking thing about "Scorpion"?! lmaao. "More Life" was fun but very watered down "tropical house" [*gags*] soca/dancehall stuff and his need to put on a fake jamaican accent pissed me of BAD.) around this time, all that shit with him and rihanna came out. we got more news about the women he dated; his treatment of those women; his "hood friends" and exploits ("mob ties"); more of his music moved from centering the loverboy, nice guy, heartbreak, "in his feelings" aesthetics and moments and turned into shit incels would foam at the mouth over and use as instagram captions; how he was skeevy and treated other men's wives/spouses/girlfriends and it all just fell into place: niggas ain't shit. and he is niggas!

so then i got more into female rappers and kpop and other stuff and my dislike of drake grew meanwhile i didn't really listen to kendrick and j.cole much anymore (j.cole and that noname stuff was so goofy. i hate that j.cole's an aquarius; he be makin us look so bad sometimes, my god lol). i still don't, but i think it's been enough that i could possibly be open to listening to some of their new stuff? i started listening to Mr. Morale for the first time the other day (while playing Dragon Age: Inquisition) and then came up to one song that i really enjoyed but saw that Kodack Black was a feature and turned it off. j.cole's had some good stuff come out with his crew and JID is incredible; so iuno lol.

anyways, i say all that to say that FD Signifier's latest 3+ hr video essay, "I'm What the Culture Feeling (the full story of Drake vs Kendrick)" really put into words everything i've ever felt ever about drake and kendrick and i think you should watch it LOL. like this shit REALLY MEAN SUMN TO ME, MAAN!!! (இ﹏இ`｡) and i kno that sounds crazy because i basically wrote a whole three page, single spaced, essay about them already. but there's so much more to be said that i don't fully remember/wanna take the time to type out bc FD does it a lot better (altho he makes no mention of megan the stallion's song, "hiss" being the catalyst that made everyone start calling out drake on his shit point blank, but a few people flambayed him in the comments for it, so no worries).

anyways if you made it this far, lemme know who you thought won and why it's kendrick LMAO.

--raine <3