ranting about marvel's "edgy" alternate universes in comics

omfg some au's that marvel has made are just like... UGH. trying so hard to be edgy and shit and like- making my favs bad people... like THEY'RE FUCKING SUPERHEROES. LET THEM BE GOOD GUYS

like the ultimate comic universe... (earth-1610 comicverse, mainly ultimatum) is just a PRIME example of how they fucked up all the cool guys. like quicksilver and scarlet witch are siblings, right?? brother and sister?? in this universe marvel decided "oh yeah! they're still siblings! but they also FUCK and have ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER and WOLVERINE WATCHES THEM BANG" like what the FUCK.

another thing about the ultimate universe is like... oh ya!! you know nightcrawler?? everyone's favorite blue catholic mutant who attended the wedding of his two lesbian moms?? oh well... in earth-1610... he's just fucking homophobic. like WHAT. like yeah i kinda see why they went there he's catholic but NOT EVERY CHRISTIAN/CATHOLIC PERSON HATES GAY PEOPLE. like yeah at the time/in the universe he didn't have lesbian moms but STILL WHAT THE FUCK. and he also kidnapped dazzler for some fucking reason because god forbid superheroes be fucking superHEROES

and ANOTHER FUCKING THING about the ultimate universe because ohhhh man there's more. giant man tries finding wasp who's his wife yeah?? well too bad for him because WASP IS GETTING EATING BY THE BLOB. CANNIBALIZED. and blobby boy just goes "tastes like chicken..." like WHAT THE FUCK. and then giant man goes "oh yeah well i'm gonna bite your fucking head off!!" and he does. what the fuck

okay i have a LOTTT more to say about the ultimate universe so strap in!! magneto decides that "hey genocide's cool when i do it" when he is, in fact, A HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR. HELD IN A WWII CONCENTRATION CAMP. A JEWISH, CONCENTRATION CAMP SURVIVOR. and you're telling me he's genocidal. okay buddy...

and in this universe, instead of mutants being the next step in human evolution, apparently they're all just products of a botched super soldier project??? REALLY?!??!??! and after hearing that, magneto gets fucking brainblasted by cyclops, then cyclops gets shot by quicksilver and yadda yadda yadda who gives a FUCK

anyways moving onto the noir universe... not spider-man noir because i thought it was a cool storyline!! but like... x-men noir. that shit is so BOOOOORRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGG!!!!! oh instead of mutants being the next step in evolution, guess what?? SOCIOPATHY is actually the next step in human evolution!! no powers no nothing just... being a sociopath. okay. also the x-men are a gang of criminals instead of a crime-fighting super team because they're all sociopaths i guess. ugh it just sounds so stupid tbh

next up we got fucking the marvel zombies universe. like okay it sounds cool in theory but it also just sounds stupid. like "eughh we're the marvel zombies and we're gonna eat everyone in the universe!! bleghhh!!" like shut up bro. SHUT UP. I DON'T CARE. why is cannibalism a reoccurring topic

next up we got old man logan universe. hey remember the incest storyline from the ultimate universe?? let's do it again with hulk and she-hulk because why not!! cousins by chance lovers by choice ig!! ugh. anyway they fucked and had a bunch of incest babies who they run a criminal gang with. and hulk eats people because hooray more cannibalism!! also all the villains in this universe teamed up. and logan hallucinated these villains and killed them all but in reality, he killed all the x-men!! oh nooo!!! fuck dude this one sucks

anyways next up on the chopping block is the marvel ruins universe. you know how being a superhero is awesome??? haha not here!! like the spider that bit peter parker?? didn't even give him powers, gave him an ugly ass rash that kills him. the avengers?? killed by the government. speaking of government, guess who's the president?? charles xavier!! speaking of him, where are all the mutants/famous x-men?? in specialized mutant prison for some fucking reason because we hate fun

like in the ruinsverse mutant prisons, they blinded cyclops so he couldn't shoot lasers from his eyes, cut off all of quicksilvers limbs so he can't run anywhere, and kitty pryde died trying to phase through her cell. and oh, where's nightcrawler, my favoritest boy in the whole wide world?? eating himself. starting at the tail. oh don't worry tho!! jean grey isn't in jail because she's trying to whore herself out for 20 bucks before getting shot to death by nick fury. yayyy

speaking of ruinsverse nick he just sucks. said that captain america introduced him to cannibalism in the war but he's "been clean ever since" like okay.... anyone starting to notice a pattern in these types of universes?? also silver surfer tore himself apart for some reason. and galactus, who is a GOD, is just found dead floating in space because fuck you. also instead of gamma radiation turning bruce banner into the hulk it just made him into a mass of tumors because fuck you x10000

anyways yeah these are some of the universes i personally think are dumb. as much as i praise marvel they've definitely taken some L's, both comic and movie-wise. notice how cannibalism was in EVERY SINGLE ONE??? "what about noir-" peter parker's uncle was cannibalized by the vulture. i only looked passed that because i enjoyed his storyline in the noirverse okay

anyways byeee