yapping #1

i feel like my body does not belong to me anymore.
being chronically online has only made my head worst, but sometimes i wonder if i would be less insane if i were just a normal person when the matter is internet.
i have been violently dissociating with my body to connect myself with maybe a "true" self that i have forgotten who i was in the first place. Hearing (hearing as background scatter, not listening) music until my ears ring while copiously walking in circles, chewing plastic until my gums bleed and throwing myself against the walls of my room, filled with unprotected nails and screws have been the best way of ungluing myself from this flesh prison my soul is in.
i have worn so many masks that my face is not mine anymore, its a fruit of a mutation, the hidden mutation that happens when i change my own persepctive, personality and scars to match the new, but does it even work? even if using pathetically and pedantic words to feel like in any aspect im somewhat better than anyone else, i'd die for it. 
i wonder, truly ask myself if i even have any fear. i never feared death, it is my deepest and darkest secret, it is my desire, it is the only thing i have certain in life, isn't it? . i never feared uncertainess, it is my routine, it is what i expect, it is what i am used to, it is the only thing that never hurt me, it is casuality. i never feared pain, it is what comforts me, it is what makes me feel alive, it is what fuels me to keep being who i am, even if who i am its just . maybe its guilt, guilt has always fucked me over. i do not have any idea why but the guilt is what sends shivers down my spine. guilt. am i the one to blame? am i the one that'll pay for my own sins? it's so unfair. why can't i live the good life? why am i not deserving of a happy ending? in this sea of miserable people why have i been given the ability to understand it? when did i lost the bliss of ignorance? when did the guilt washed over me? i am so sorry for her. it always comes back to her, doesn't it? she didn't do anything wrong, she was given the same fate as me, to be put in the world by someone who doesn't care at all, she said to me the same words spoken to her, but even still, couldn't manage to be half as cruel. didn't manage to be half as heartles, didn't managed to be anything less than a mother, didn't managed to make me hate her, so her job is complete, and now is my the responsability of caring for her, just like she cared for me, and better than she was cared for, i wish that i could back to her loving embrace when the guilt hits, the guilt of hurting her. the woman, the blood that shed from me is adjecent from her veins, and everything i could ever need and want is given to me, i am so grateful for what she is. but i cannot be grateful for the gift of life