Bubblegum Glitter Summer

First blog post! For my first time post, I'm going to talk about summertime. In my true Pisces fashion, I had big hopes and dreams for this summer. I recently quit a stressful job and lost 30 pounds, I was feeling good, why not make this summer my hot girl summer? I was gonna get off the couch, go to diners, go to shows, go to my local botanical garden, wear cute summer clothes, ride around with the windows down. I was gonna do things differently this summer. See, most people get seasonal depression in the winter; I get mine in the summer. It's something I've struggled with for many years and unfortunately stems from childhood neglect...

I bet you thought I was gonna skate right over the not fun stuff. Wrong! I don't know yall (except gh0stgrrl, love you<3) and I can't afford therapy so why not? Besides, maybe my story will resonate with someone else. 

My parents divorced when I was 6, and from age 6-11 they had joint custody of my siblings and I. After the divorce my mother remarried to an alcoholic and became an alcoholic herself. They would start drinking when they woke up most days, then my stepdad would go to work and my mom would stay home with us kids. During the summer, my weeks with my mother were ones that I absolutely dreaded. A lot of times she would be slurring words by noon, and by the afternoon she was taking her daily nap. We were not monitored during these times. Sometimes we would be locked out of the house (normally this wasn't too big of a deal, as my grandmother lived 3 houses down), or locked in the house, which was worse. We were not allowed to make any noise, we were not allowed to go outside, we were to stay in our rooms and watch tv (this was before the internet and we pretty much only had basic cable tv - yes I'm old) for HOURS. I would hear the cicadas start up (American South), I would feel the heat rise, and the anxiety would just be a brick in my stomach. Knowing I would be forced to stay with her, to stick around and be berated by her in her drunken stupor until she passed out. These were the times I hated. 

For many many years, even long after I became and adult and limited my interactions with my mother, I dreaded summer. As soon as I heard the cicadas the feeling would creep in. But I wasn't going to let that happen this year. I was going to have my -bubblegum glitter summer-, I even made a playlist. And mostly I have succeeded. I have done all those things I set out to do; I've hung out with friends, I went on a boat tour, I went to a Chappell Roan cover drag show, I've went on cute dates with my husband. I've actively tried to have a good time, even during the stressful times. But now the anxiety steadily creeps in, and sometimes it is overwhelming. I wish I knew how to get it under control, but all I can do now is take it day by day, and hope for the best.

Thank you to anyone that read this far, I know it is a lot but I just felt the need to express myself during a tough moment. <3