Im turning 18 soon (vent poem)

This poem is more to be smash poetry especially. It’s meant to be read straight toned and sure. Its meant to be spoken like you’re looking them in the face, confronting the “problem”. It’s pretty cryptic regarding context, but I’ve just reached an understanding with my situation and had to write it out before it tore me apart.

I’m starting senior year soon.

Are you proud of me?

I turned 17, 

Im old now too.

You’re 19,

I wonder if you sleep easy?

But what would I expect from you.

I want this to be poetic,

But I want you to feel it with me.

We used to be so close,

But the things you did haunt me.

The things you said still swirl my head.

I remember being:

8, 9,12,13,14

I looked up to you.

You were working,

You had girlfriends,

You did drugs,

I loved the smell of the shit you would smoke,

I wanted to try shrooms cause of you. 

I’ll never forget how gross I left it.

Why did you see all those things?

Why did I show them to you?

I’ve been thinking,

I thought it was just cringe,

But it hit me like an actual fucking brick.

It was shameless.

Why at 10 ask me that question?

Why at 11 did you continue to talk to me about those things?

Why at 14 did you say that to me?

Why at 15 did you still think it was ok?

Why, still, at 16 did you never put  it to stop, 

I had to snap out of it myself.

I turned 10 and thought those talks were normal,

To everyone it was gross.

I turned 11 and was still considered overt.

I turned 14 and would never in my life volunteer the information you did.

I would never show pictures or go in detail.

I turned 15 and still didn’t think about it, I didn’t see it.

I’ve turned 17 and I’ve thought it through.

It was not normal.

The things we shared were not normal.

Why did I think it was normal?

All I could do is blame myself.

I thought it was my fault.

But you threw gasoline on a match fire and lit me a blaze.

I’ll never forget again, all the things I pushed away.

Now it’s sunk in and I can’t think about it without getting sick.

You know things i know you’ve repeated,

You’ve seen things I know you’ve described and laughed about.

Nothing I can do will take or wash away the feeling of invasion,

But even less the feeling of sick and utter betrayal from my childhood hero.

I’ll never hate you, you were what I wanted to be

Free, independent, give less than a shit, close with your sibling. 

I wanted to be what I thought you were,

Cool.

So why did you plant the normalcy in me?

Why would you infect me?

I’ll never hate you, 

But I’ll never forgive you, and, unfortunately, I will never forget.