Religion (with a heavy question mark)

Religion for me has not always been complicated. It used to be show up to church on Sunday morning, pay attention during the sermon, and then, with the innocence of a child, forget it all as soon as I left the building. Of course, I had spurts of increased faithfulness, where I would pray every night before bed, and attempt to read the Bible with the vocabulary of an 8 year old. Safe to say that I never got very far before giving up. 

Now, religion is more complicated. It's the questioning if this so called God even accepts me, would even love me, for my sexuality, for my beliefs. Yes, I was raised to believe that this God forgives all sins, yet when my natural state of being is in itself a sin, am I one of the forgiven? Should I be put to death as it says in the Bible is my punishment? 

I do not know what to believe, if I should stick to what I know, to a God of contradictions and hypocrisy and a Bible full of ideas I do not agree with. The truth is, I'm scared. Almost all of my family is religious, and I don't want to disappoint them. I don't want to oust myself from the people closest to me. But I do not believe in their God anymore. 

I go to church, and I sit and I stand as necessary. I repeat their frivolous words I do not agree with, I sing in their choir songs I do not resonate with, I act, for all, as the person I have always previously been. But that's not me anymore. They'll figure it out eventually, but for now I put on the mask of the faithful. I hide behind the idea that this religion works for me in any way. This religion that has caused so much pain since its inception, so much suffering. 

So, religion has a heavy question mark. Because I don't really know what I'm doing. Maybe I'll figure it out, maybe I won't. It doesn't really matter, in the end.