Nowhere to Run

I'm shaking.... 

I have nowhere to turn and I just feel so helpless. 

People offer help until it's time to pull through, to act on it. 

I'm a single mom with a two year old trying to get him away from his abusing father. And I'm utterly and completely alone. I'm terrified and it's just too much. 

Today I brought up how P has abused my son and he hit me with "you've done it too"... The wind was knocked right out of my chest. My sweet delicate boy, I could never harm him in the ways this man has. To accuse me of something so horrible made my physically ill. Still, I can already see how this is going to play out in the courtroom. I'm going to present what he has done to my son... And he's gonna lie.... 

I'm going to try to get away with my boy, and he's not going to let me. My beautiful boy. The best thing I ever did with my life was have you. The worst thing I've ever done was keep you around P. 

I'm manic. Facing down a panic attack while my son naps. Fighting back tears. The PTSD... THE RAGE... THE PAIN... THE BETRAYAL.... THE MOTHERLY INSTINCT.... 

Im a failure. I have failed my boy. I chose the wrong man. Indiana state law won't let you divorce when pregnant. I'm so sorry I couldn't get us away. I didn't mean to fail you my love. Mommy is just so sorry. I wanted to much more for you. You can't fight evil with honesty, not in today's world. 

Paul is gonna fight, and lie, and do all he can to keep my boy....

He's turning his baby cam at night when he goes into his room.... 

I don't know how to fight this. I HAVE TO SAVE YOU! 

I don't have unlimited money, connections, I just have my undying love for you and my word. That's all. 

I am completely alone and I am feeling it. I have nowhere to run. Nobody to turn to. Nobody to help me. 

I feel so weak. God please just grant me the strength to get through this for my boy. Be my grace, because I am beyond broken. Please please please let the truth prevail. P slams my son down when he's mad. He pulls him by his legs, he yells at him, he stomps, he gets aggressive. It's not okay. 

And there's nothing I can do about it. I am weak, weary, but I have to keep going for you my love. I will never stop fighting for you. Never.