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One of the daily things that haunt me is the fear of sleep paralysis, a state I have only been in at least 5 or 6 times in my life from what I can remember. It always is the same every time, I'm close to a loved one, usually my mother and I can't breathe or move, as though all my limbs are frozen but so are all my organs but my heart. It sounds very juvenile, I know, but I'm so scared to not be able to breathe. The fact that I'm near someone who cares for me every time but I can't even croak out a proper cry for help is what really makes it feel so powerless. The solution is to have them move me on my side or to help me sit up, move me in a way to reignite a moving signal in my nerves. All of a sudden, I am able to move again and the breath returns to my lungs. The fact that the solution is so easy yet so unreachable in my adult age is Sisyphean in a way. When I was a child, in bed paralyzed from my state of half-sleep, I could utter a quiet whisper to my mother to help me move a little, to jump the nerves in my body with the electricity of movement, but now I am cold and I am alone. My cries cannot be heard because the person is so far away or absorbed in a task, my body is stone but I am alive. I cannot breathe but I know I am alive and its so haunting (07/26/2024). — Mars ᓚᘏᗢ |
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