all kinds of dreams

when dreams do what the books say they do, i get reminded of what i brushed off in the day.

last night i wore red sleeves. i was going to work (one I knew in my waking life), thinking i could do without my uniform. red sleeves, passionate about what i do. i have the knowledge and experience and all the skill to go with it. my dream nudged me about my lack of, or just terrible, work ethic. i once worked best when someone else was handing my uniform to me. 

this isn't new to me, and there's plenty of life to blame it on. astrologically speaking, i have a fallen Saturn and a Mars in detriment. and one, if not both, sit in the 12th house. a taurus stellium with a gemini chart ruler. i like to imagine i'm really meant to just sit in the mountains and think every thought i could write down, inspiration willing. i'm surely meant to struggle with dedication; i'm an ironic rock.

in a less interesting way, i could pin my issue on the school system. Talented And Gifted- TAG, or whatever your region calls it. a better reader, or just a more interested one, than the other 5 year olds. or so someone decided. i wonder how intelligent they were. told i was smart enough for average work to be easy to me. and it was. i tested well. i never had to study to get by. that's why i failed history in high school. i was uninterested in the class and most of what was bound to happen again anyways, so my brain didn't hold on to it. and i couldn't, or really didn't, study. 

maybe my problem is add. help, i've sat down and can't get up. too smart and too quiet for it to be suspected, until when it was, and i thought it didn't matter at that point. and what could medication do that could push through the stone wall of my probable laziness? i mean, if i wanted to, i would, right?

i never expected to have to try hard. or hardly even try at all. a privilege of The Man, or of The Creator. still, luck only goes so far. what will it take to get me off the floor and into action? how many gifts from men and god will go to waste in my hands? how many dreams do i need to have to finally follow them? how accurately can i say i don't know how, and when has that ever stopped any heaven sent dream anyway?

i am great, but i cannot be Great without trying. without fighting. without spent blood, dirt stuck in sweat, tears that aren't sweet with false promises. it is too easy when your biggest threat is yourself. 

maybe i need another dream.