heh boi

my plan has changed quite drastically. i was going to take a year off before uni to get a job (which was looking like it was going to be me caring for my grandad). it seemed like a really good idea: get some work experience, save up some money, have a break from academic work, etc. but realistically, i'm not going to get a job any time soon, not with the state of the economy and the general workplace. 

thus, i'm going to university this year via clearing. not 100% sure where i'm going yet or what i'm studying, but i really want to do something that involves philosophy. really, i'm essentially gambling everything. i can't apply until i get my results, which will be on the 15th august. i kind of have to rush so the courses and accommodation i want aren't taken up, but this is providing i get the results i need, but i dont think i will. nothing i can do now other than prepare and wait. 

i think people might be sad that i'm going to be moving away no matter what happens. one of my friends cried a little, and so did my mom. it's really strange tbh, i didnt expect such reactions. plus they seem to think i'll actually get the grades to go into the uni i really want to go, which is quite far. i dont think they have much to worry about, because i highly doubt i'll actually get them. it's a really strange time, and it's probably only going to get stranger. plus my family is all of a sudden being really nice and especially helpful. one of my brothers has offered to help me with anything i need for uni. i'm very weirded out by it tbh. my parents are buying me stuff for uni, showing me lists of stuff they found online. my mom even said she'd miss me. i really don't know what to say to her when she says that. they've never been like this and i kind of dont like it, it's really unsettling.