regret

As long as im alive you will always be apart of me. It seems that I was the broken hand that held your heart in our relationship while I was deluded of being the perfect person for you. I tried everything I could to be the person you’d choose first out of everyone in the whole world. Our last call together I wanted to tell you how much love i have for you. I only realized how much love i didnt give you until after we separated. For most of the time when I wasnt spending time with you I was in my head creating fantasies of me showing my real love for you. But that didnt matter because I was shy and I could only do so much to pass below my low self esteem. I loved you more than I could ever express is the main point and I regret it. But it seemed like when you left me you had no reason to stay and that no matter how much proof I showed, you already made up your mind. When you were leaving me you were cold and different to me, you changed too fast as if everything we did together and everything i did for you never happened. I always wonder if you even loved me or if any the promises you made towards me were real. You told me that one day you’d marry me, I know other people would tell me that that's just wishful thinking & I should’ve known better to not believe that but I guess you chose the wrong person to say that to because I took it serious. I took everything you said about our future seriously and it shattered me thinking after we separated that they will never come true. We have so many things we’ll never do together now. We were supposed to watch camp rock and final destination 3 together, we were supposed to go to Disneyland for your first time together, go to LA and get an apartment there. I feel so heartbroken even thinking about doing any of those things with anyone else. Maybe its better to never do those things at all until we reconcile hopefully in the future. I hope we reconcile. My most bothering thought lately is if you’re currently thinking about me and thinking of us, if you even felt an ounce of the heartbreak i felt when it was finally over. Although those hopes of you ever feeling the way i do is destroyed because you already moved on..in less than a week. You went back to your ex-girlfriend & that was something I could never imagine happening when you reassured me you wouldn't go back to her & that she was someone that couldn't be a threat. My heart was torn & I hated everything about myself. I dyed my hair blonde, I got new piercings, I changed my name, I tried to get a new identity even new friends. but that all made me feel more alone. you had your ex-girlfriend to go back to while I had no one to go back to, it made me feel abandoned. I only hope we reconcile, out of anything I just need an apology or an explanation. you never told me how you felt about the breakup, you ignored the situation. I was the only one fighting for the relationship I was the only one expressing and showing emotions, that all made me feel like this relationship was one-sided. I could've sworn it was real, it felt so real. (-(○○)0)